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Car

It’s Friday

Jun 4, 2021

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Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

“Aye, so I have. ‘Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called “Happy Hour” and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o’ those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O’ course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness – couldn’t be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later ..” And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, “Sir, I’m afraid I’ll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.”

Indignantly, the man said, “Why? Don’t ye believe me?!?”

The Love Dress

Jun 4, 2021

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The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple’s house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.

“What are you doing,” the mother-in-law asked.

“I am waiting for my husband to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law replied.

“Why are you naked,” asked the mother-in-law.

“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law replied.

“LOVE DRESS! You are naked,” said the mother-in-law.

“But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy,” said the daughter-in-law. “I would appreciate your leaving now because my husband will be home any minute,” the daughter-in-law continued. Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home, she thought about the “LOVE DRESS” and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume, and waited by the door for her husband to come home.

Finally, the pickup truck drove up the driveway, and she took her place by the door. The father-in-law opened the door, and immediately saw his wife naked by the door.

“What are you doing,” he asked.

“This is my love dress,” the mother-in-law replied.

“Needs ironing,” he replied.

Men Who Remember

Jun 4, 2021

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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears to be in deep though, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?” The husband looks up, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?” he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. “Yes, I do,” she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”

“Yes, I remember,” says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues… “Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years.” “I remember that too,” she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says… “I would have gotten out today!”

Janitor or Millionaire

Jun 4, 2021

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Closer Than You Think!

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, “You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, “Well, then, that means that you virtually don’t exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.

After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, “What, you don’t have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!”

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, “Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!”

Moral of this story:

1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
2. If you don’t have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
3. Since you got this story via e-mail, you’re probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.

50 Rules for Men

Jun 4, 2021

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A Woman’s 50 Rules for Men

For those of you who are guys, pay close attention to the following:

Call.
Don’t lie.
Never tape any of her body parts together.
If guys’ night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
If guys’ night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No petting.
The correct answer to, “Do I look fat?”, is never, ever, “Yes.”
Ditto for “Is she prettier than me?”
Victoria’s Secret is good. Frederick’s of Hollywood is bad.
Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
“Honey”, “Darling”, and “Sweetheart” are good. “Nag”, “Lardass”, and “Bitch” are bad.
Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
Her cooking is excellent.
That isn’t an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
Dish soap is your friend.
Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
Answering “Who was that on the phone?” with “Nobody” is never going to end that conversation.
Ditto for “Whose lipstick is this?”
Two words: clean socks.
Believe it or not, you’re probably not more attractive when you’re drunk.
Burping is not sexy.
You’re wrong.
You’re sorry.
She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
Ditto for your discourse on football.
Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
“Will you marry me?” is good. “Let’s shack up together” is bad.
Don’t assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
Don’t assume PMS doesn’t exist.
No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
“But, we kiss…” is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don’t clean plaque with your tongue.
Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11 p.m.
Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
Pick her up at the airport. Don’t whine about it, just do it.
If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don’t act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
Don’t tell her you love her if you don’t.
Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
Always, always suck up to her brother.
Think boxers.
Silk boxers.
Remember Valentine’s Day, and any cheesy “anniversary” she so names.
Don’t try to change the way she dresses.
Her haircut is never bad.
Don’t let your friends pick on her.
Call.
Don’t lie.
The rules are never fair. Accept this without question.

The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn’t fair either, and it balances everything.

Better Run

Jun 4, 2021

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Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co worker to a foot race down to the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run too!”