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Car

Why… YOU

Jun 5, 2021

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There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn’t move for half an hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down.

The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said: “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man crying.”

“No, it’s not that. Today is the worst of day my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me.”

“When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab.”

“I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison…”

Penguins in the Back Seat

Jun 5, 2021

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A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing this the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, “What’s up with the penguins in the back
seat?”

The man in the car says, “I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven’t a clue.”

The clerk ponders a bit then says, “You should take them to the zoo.”

“Yeah, that’s a good idea,” says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

“Hey, they’re still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!”

“Oh, I did,” says the driver, “and we had a swell time. Today I’m taking them to the beach.”

Man falling off his stool in a bar

Jun 5, 2021

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Man falling off his stool in a bar Jokes Times

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes.

He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: “Why don’t you be a good Samaritan and take him home.”

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times.

They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man. The drunk’s wife greets them at the door: “Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where’s his wheel chair?”

Because I’m a Man

Jun 4, 2021

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Because I’m a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I’m a man, when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then drink beer.

Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn’t a problem.

Because I’m a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I’m a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I’m a man, I don’t think we’re all that lost, and no, I don’t think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how the hell could he know where we’re going anyway?

Because I’m a man, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The answer is always either sex or sports. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don’t bother to ask me

Because I’m a man, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you cried at the end of it, I didn’t.

Because I’m a man, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it — looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I’m a man, and this is, after all, the year 2001, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, the shopping and the dishes, and I’ll do the rest.

Don’t Step on Ducks

Jun 4, 2021

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Three women die in a car accident and go to Heaven. Saint Peter meets them at the Gates and welcomes then saying, “you can do as you please in here, just don’t step on any ducks.”

The women are puzzled buy proceed into Heaven. Looking around, they notice there are ducks everywhere.

In a matter of minutes, one of the woman steps on a duck. Saint Peter walks up to that woman with a very ugly man. Saint Peter then shackles that man and woman together and says, “for stepping on the duck, you have to spend eternity chained to this ugly man.”

The other two women are shocked buy go about their business until, sure enough, another woman steps on a duck. Immediately, Saint Peter came and shackles her with another ugly man.

The last woman tries desperately to not step on any duck. After a few months of not stepping on any ducks, Saint Peter walks up to the last woman accompanied by a stunningly handsome man.

Saint Peter then shackles the woman to this man and after a while, the woman being thrilled to be chained to such a handsome man, says, “I don’t know what I did to deserve to be shackles with such a handsome man like you.” The man replies, “I don’t know what you did lady, but I stepped on a duck.”

Twenty Penguins

Jun 4, 2021

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A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can’t drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo.

The man agrees and drives off. The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, “Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo.” The man replies “I did. Today I’m taking them to the movies.”