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Communicate Breakdown

Jun 5, 2021

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A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?” She replied, “About four acres and a nice home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?” “It is made of concrete, brick and motar,” she responded. “I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?” “I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.” She replied.

He said, “Do you have a real grudge?” “No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and never really need one.” “Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?” “Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you?” “Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.” Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!”

Man opens Car Door for Wife

Jun 5, 2021

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When a man opens the door of his his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

Barbie Doll

Jun 5, 2021

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A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter’s birthday and he hadn’t bought her a present. He quickly drove to the mall and ran to the toy store.

At the store, the man ask the store manager. “How much is that new Barbie in the window?” The manager replied, “Which one? We have Barbie does to the gym for $19.95. Barbie goes shopping for $19.95. Barbie goes to the beach for $19.95. Barbie goes to the club for $19.95. And Divorced Barbie for $399.95.

After hearing this, the man ask the store manager, “Why is Divorced Barbie $399.95 when all the rest of the Barbie are only $19.95. The store manager replied, “Simple, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s House, Ken’s Car, Ken’s Boat, Ken’s Dog, Ken’s Cat and Ken’s Furnitures.”

She Read Slow

Jun 5, 2021

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A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.

The women need to buy another, but only have $500.

The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.”

She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word.

She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable.”

Sceptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?”

The redhead replies, “She’s a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull.'”

Expensive Date

Jun 5, 2021

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A horny college kid borrowed his roommate’s car, scraped together every penny he could find, picked up his date at her parent’s house, and took her to a nice restaurant for dinner. But he got more and more upset when she proceeded to order everything pricey on the menu: fancy mixed drinks, lobster, champagne, the works.

Finally, he couldn’t stay silent any more, and blurted, “Does your mother feed you like this at home?”

“Nope,” she replied with a demure smile, “but my mom’s not trying to get laid either.”

Don’t you Start that Again

Jun 5, 2021

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A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day, the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?”
“Yes it is.” the man replies.
“You wanna buy a baseball?” the little boy asks.
“No thanks.” the man replies.
“I think you want to buy a baseball” the little extortionist continues.
“Okay. How much?” the man replies, after considering the position he is in.
“Twenty-five dollars.” the little boy replies.
“Twenty-five dollars!” the repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again, when she hears a car in the driveway and again places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

“It’s dark in her, isn’t it?” the boy starts off.
“Yes it is.” replies the man.
“Wanna buy a baseball glove?” the little boy asks.
“Okay. How much this time!” the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
“Fifty dollars.” the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy’s father says “Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we’ll play some catch.” “I can’t. I sold them.” replies the little boy. “How much did you get for them?” asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy. “Seventy-five dollars.” the little boy says. “Seventy-five dollars! That’s thievery! I’m taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness.” the father explains, as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtains, sits down, and says “It’s dark in her, isn’t it?” The priest says… ” Don’t you start that crap in here now!”