A policeman stops a lady and asks for her driving license. he says, “Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.” The woman answered, “Well, I have contacts.”
The policeman replied, “I don’t care who you know, you’re getting a ticket no matter what.”
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move. Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy again didn’t respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!” Buddy never move a muscle at all. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, “Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try.”
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed.
As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I wish you could talk.” The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
“You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
“Well, did you see this?”
“Yes,” motioned the monkey.
“What happened?”
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
“They were drinking?” asked the officer.
“Yes.”
“What else?”
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.”
They were smoking marijuana?”
“Yes.”
“What else?”
The monkey motioned “Screwing.”
“They were screwing, too?” asked the astounded officer.
“Yes.”
“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked.”
“Yes.”
“What were you doing during all this?”
“Driving” motioned the monkey.
One afternoon while doing some work in the garden I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbor’s daughter’s rabbit. For years I Had watch her come home from school and head straight out to its cage, free it and play with it in the garden. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.
The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon Finishing its grooming, I jumped the fence and replaced it back in its cage hoping its death would be written off as “natural causes”.Within the hour, the neighbour’s car pulled in and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only thistime she stopped about six feet away andscreamed “DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbour that I am, I Rushed to fence and asked if there was anythingI could do.
Her father less than calmly blurted, “What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl’s dead rabbit and put it back in it’s cage?”
When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystander ran over to help the driver.
A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her back and said, “Step aside lady/ I’ve taken a course in first aid.”
The woman watched him for a few minutes, then tapped his shoulder and said, “Pardon me, but when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m right here.”
Man going to ATM
Woman going to ATM
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