A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, “Dang, why are you drinking so fast?” The guy says, “You would be drinking fast if you had what I had.”
The bartender says, “What do you have?”
The guy says, “75 cents.”
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits, and then complain that he’s not the man she married?
Men are like wine – some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.
When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.
Marriage is one long conversation, checkered by disputes.
No human being believes that any other human being has a right to be in bed when he himself is up.
If you have a job without aggravations, you don’t have a job.
Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old; it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother.
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it’s time to get up.
Many a women who thinks she has purchased a dress for the ridiculous price has actually bought it for an absurd figure.
When a man says it’s a silly, childish game, it’s probably something his wife can beat him at.
You can always tell a house with young boys in it. You have to wash the soap before you can use it.
Nowadays the pay check that arrives none too soon, is too soon none.
A woman is like a tea bag: you never know her strength until she is in hot water.
Almost every child would learn to write sooner if allowed to do his homework on wet cement.
Women like the simpler things in life – like men.
Robbers demand your money or your life; women require both.
Children aren’t happy without something to ignore; and that’s what parents were created for.
It is a woman’s business to get married as soon as possible, and a mans to stay unmarried as long as he can.
All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterwards that causes all the trouble.
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, “Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.”
The Doberman says, “I love liver and cheese.” The Collie replies, “That’s not good enough.”
The Bulldog says, “I hate liver and cheese.” She says, “That’s not creative enough.”
Finally, the Chihuahua says, “Liver alone… cheese mine.”
An Easterner has always dreamed of owning his own cattle ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams in Wyoming.
“So what did you name the ranch?” asked his best friend when he flew out to visit.
“We had a hell of a time,” admitted the new cowboy. “Couldn’t agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch.”
“Wow!” His friend was impressed. “So where are all the cows?”
“None of them survived the branding.”
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well.
The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.”
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, “Jeez doc, exactly what’s my problem?”
The Doctor says, “You’re not drinking enough water.”
John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night after drinking. John was driving and got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because one of his tail lights was burned out. John said, “I’m very sorry officer, I didn’t realize it was out, I’ll get it fixed right away.” Just then Jessica said, “I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed.”
So after hearing this, the officer asked for John’s license and after looking at it said, “Sir, your license has expired.” And again, John apologised and mentioned that he didn’t realise that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning. Jessica said, “I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired.”
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, “JESSICA, WILL YOU SHUT UP!”
The officer then leaned over towards Jessica and asked, “Does your husband always talk to you like that?” Jessica replied, “Nope, not always. Only when he is drunk.”
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