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Bar

Beer Festival

Jun 5, 2021

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After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’S best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?” and the Guinness president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”

Musical Octopus

Jun 5, 2021

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A man goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says “I’ll bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus CAN’T play’

The people in the bar look around, and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes the string, and starts playing the guitar. The octopus’ owner pockets the $50.

Next, a guy comes up with a trumpet. The octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it’s lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy pockets yet another $50.

The bar owner has been watching all of this and disappears to the back. He comes back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm.

He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, “Now, if your octopus can play THAT, I’ll give you $100.”

The octopus takes a long hard look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has yet another look from a different angle. Puzzled, the octopus’ owner comes over and says “What are you waiting for? Hurry up and play that damn thing!”

The octopus says, “Play it? Hell if I can work out how to get it’s pajamas off, I’m gonna screw it!!”

Designated Drunk

Jun 5, 2021

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Neighbours had complained to the mayor about the noisy pub on the corner of 3rd & Lambourne. Seems that the old cronies got together every friday & saturday, played cards, drank beer, told lies and jokes till 2am Saturday morning, when the pub had to close.

Officer Redding, parked down the street was not amused. He checked his watch, noted it was 01:55, time for the old drunks to start leaving. If he hadn’t been assigned this crap detail he’d be down at the I-80 Truck stop about now having a nice hot cup of coffee. Redding pulled out a cigarette and was about to light up when the door of the pub slammed open and an old geezer stumbled out. Redding put the smoke back in the pack; he was ‘on point’ now. The old man stumbled around, fished his car keys out of his pocket, dropped them a couple of times, finally found them and weaved down the sidewalk and across the road to his car. Redding started his engine, watching carefully as the old man fumbled to unlock his door. Other patrons leaving the pub seemed a little tipsy, but nothing like the old goat trying to get into his car. As soon as the old man’s car started to pull away from the curb, Redding was on him like a hound on a bone, siren, red lights and loud speaker. Redding wanted these complaining neighbours to know the city was doing it’s job.

“Outta the car, old man!” demanded Redding.
“But officer, I haven’t had anything to drink!” complained the old man.
“Sure, you haven’t, old timer, sure you haven’t”, replied Redding as he put on the cuffs on the old man and hauled him downtown.

At the station, the old man blew into the breathalyzer, and the needle didn’t move.

“What the… YOU haven’t been drinking, old timer!” Redding exclaimed.
“But that’s what i tried to tell you back there, officer!” explained the old man.
“Well then why were you stumbling all over the place?” asked Redding.
“Well, officer, tonight when we all got to the pub, they elected me to be the ‘designated drunk’ when the place closed down!”

Hormone Hostage

Jun 5, 2021

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Every “Hormone Hostage” knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver’s license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What’s for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here’s fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn’t over do it today.
SAFEST: I’ve always loved you in that robe.

Sherry or Port

Jun 5, 2021

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A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent.

Hoping to get her into bed; he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.

He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, “Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it’s the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I’m lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I’m about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I’m transported into another world. On the other hand, Port makes me fart.”

Grab a Beer

Jun 5, 2021

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A man came home from work and sat in his recliner, happy to be home and relaxing after a long and hectic day at the office.

He called to his wife, “Honey, bring me a beer before it starts.”

Somewhat irritated but willing to fulfill her hard-working husband’s wish, she got a beer from the refrigerator and promptly delivered it to her reclining husband.

He immediately began drinking it, and not more than fifteen minutes later he called to his wife a second time, “Honey, grab another beer for me before it starts.”

Now truly annoyed but unwilling to get into an argument, the wife stomped into the kitchen, snatched a beer from the refrigerator and tossed it at her reclining husband as she walked past him.

Once again, he immediately began guzzling the beer, and about ten minutes later he called out to his wife a third time, “Honey, bring me another beer will you? It’s just about to start.”

Now at the end of her rope, the wife stormed through the house into the kitchen, all the while speaking in an angry voice about how she was not put on this earth to be a slave to the opposite sex and that she was not going to be her husband’s own personal bartender for the entire night. She had had a long day too, and expected some peace and quiet for herself. She jerked open the refrigerator, grabbed a beer, and slammed the refrigerator closed. She finished ranting just about the time she reached her reclining husband and threw the third beer at him.

Satisfied, the husband opened the beer, took a large gulp of the frosty brew, and said, “Ahhh, just in time.”