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Obsession and Name

Jun 4, 2021

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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions,” he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said,”You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: “Your obsession is with alcohol.This too shows itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”

At this point, the fourth mother, Debbi, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered,”Come on, Dick, we’re leaving.”

Cattle Ranch

Jun 4, 2021

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An Easterner has always dreamed of owning his own cattle ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams in Wyoming.

“So what did you name the ranch?” asked his best friend when he flew out to visit.

“We had a hell of a time,” admitted the new cowboy. “Couldn’t agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch.”

“Wow!” His friend was impressed. “So where are all the cows?”

“None of them survived the branding.”

A Man with Neck Brace

Jun 4, 2021

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A man walks into a pub with a neck brace around his neck.

He asks for a pint. The bartender gives him one. Then the man asks, “Who’s in the lounge?” The bartender replies. “15 people playing darts.” The man says, “Get them a pint too.”

Then he asks, “Who’s upstairs?”

The bartender replies, “150 people at the disco.

“The man says, “Get them a drink too.”

The bartender says, “That will be $328 please.

“The man says, “Sorry but I haven’t got that much money on me.”

The bartender says, “If you were at the pub a mile from here, they would of broke your neck.”

The man says, “I’ve all ready been there.”

5 Stages of Drinking

Jun 4, 2021

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The Five Stages Of Drunkenness

Stage 1 – Clever – This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.

Stage 2 – Attractive – This is when you realize that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 – Rich – This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn’t matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.

Stage 4 – Invincible – You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you’re RICH and you’re more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.

Stage 5 – Invisible This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snob the face off them for the same reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you’re still CLEVER you know all the words.

THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING Up

Stage 1 – Stupid – As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realize that you have lost not only several hours of your life, but also the ability to concentrate on anything at all. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12 hours.

Stage 2 – Ugly – Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror, the first thing you are horrified to discover is that you have now become even UGLIER than you previously thought possible. Not only have you got bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of spots but you are shaking so much that your grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to try to shave while still shaking.

Stage 3 – Poor – Having crawled out of bed and got dressed, you are about to shamble out the door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened to it but the traces of pizza on your clothes allow the possibility that you might have treated everyone to a take out at some point. Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might have given the taxi driver a fifty dollar note by mistake. Rationalising that you couldn’t possibly have been that STUPID and that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your friends.

Stage 4 – Fragile – As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.

Stage 5 – Conspicuous – This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance. Even worse, they know that they can complete your misery by making fun of you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to hide.

We Can’t Wait That Long

Jun 4, 2021

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A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. However, the distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn’t been paid.

The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, “We can’t ship your new order until you pay for the last one.” The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, “Please cancel the order. We can’t wait that long.”

Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery

Jun 4, 2021

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Things you don’t want to hear during surgery:

Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop!
“Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness”
Bo Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
Hand me that…uh…that uh…thingie.
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Darn, there go the lights again….
“Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy’s got two of ’em.”
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating? It’s throwing off my concentration.
What’s this doing here?
I hate it when they’re missing stuff in here….
That’s cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses.
Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Sterile, shcmerile. The floor’s clean, right?
What do you mean, he wasn’t in for a sex change……!!!
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
And now we remove the subject’s brain and place it in the body of the ape.
Ok. Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
This patient has already had some kids, right?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don’t worry. I think this is sharp enough.
She’s gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!!
FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out NOW!
Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!