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Monday, December 23, 2024
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Bank

0 211
Printer Repair Jokes Times

When my printer’s type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job myself. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?” “Actually it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied sheepishly. “We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

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Virus Alert Jokes Times

An entire new strain of viruses has just been uncovered and we wanted to get this information to you as soon as possible. Please share this with others immediately!!

Monica Lewinsky virus……..Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

Lorena Bobbit virus……….Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

Ellen Degeneres virus……..Your IBM suddenly claims it’s a MAC.

Titanic virus…………….Makes your whole computer go down.

Disney virus……………..Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

Mike Tyson virus………….Quits after one byte.

Prozac virus…….Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care.

Woody Allen virus………By-passes the motherboard and turns on daughter card.

Joey Buttafuoco virus……..Only attacks minor files.

Spice Girl virus………….Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

Ronald Reagan virus……….Saves your data, but forgets

Dr. Kevorkian virus…..Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

Oprah Winfrey virus……..Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus……..Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.

Then there is the Clinton PC. It has a six inch hard drive and no memory.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS- Divides your hard drive into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS- This revolutionary virus doesn’t horse around. It warns you of impending disk attack, once if by LAN, twice if by C.

AT&T VIRUS- Every three minutes it reminds you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS- Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T virus.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS- Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS- Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

AIRLINE VIRUS- You’re in Chicago but your data is in Singapore.

STAR TREK VIRUS- Invades your system and boldly goes where no virus has gone before.

TED TURNER VIRUS- Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

PBS VIRUS-Your PC stops what it is doing every few minutes to ask for money.

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Burned Barn Jokes Times

Larry’s barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.

Susan told the insurance company, “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.”

The agent replied, “Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.”

There was a long pause before Susan replied, “Then I’d like to cancel the policy on my husband.”

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Dictionary of Dating Jokes Times

ATTRACTION – the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT – what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING – the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL – avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

EASY – a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT – a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND – a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE – a woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted to by the man as “playing hard to get.”

INTERESTING – a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT – what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY – how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC – a man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

SOBER – a condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love

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All You Will Ever Need to Know About Marriage Jokes Times

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits, and then complain that he’s not the man she married?

Men are like wine – some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.

When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.

Marriage is one long conversation, checkered by disputes.

No human being believes that any other human being has a right to be in bed when he himself is up.

If you have a job without aggravations, you don’t have a job.

Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old; it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother.

Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it’s time to get up.

Many a women who thinks she has purchased a dress for the ridiculous price has actually bought it for an absurd figure.

When a man says it’s a silly, childish game, it’s probably something his wife can beat him at.

You can always tell a house with young boys in it. You have to wash the soap before you can use it.

Nowadays the pay check that arrives none too soon, is too soon none.

A woman is like a tea bag: you never know her strength until she is in hot water.

Almost every child would learn to write sooner if allowed to do his homework on wet cement.

Women like the simpler things in life – like men.

Robbers demand your money or your life; women require both.

Children aren’t happy without something to ignore; and that’s what parents were created for.

It is a woman’s business to get married as soon as possible, and a mans to stay unmarried as long as he can.

All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterwards that causes all the trouble.

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