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Bank

Barn Burning

Jun 6, 2021

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Larry’s barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money.”

The agent replied, “Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we’ll provide you with a new barn of similar worth.”

There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, “If that’s how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband.”

Successful Man & Woman

Jun 6, 2021

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A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Be on the Lookout for these Despicable Viruses

Jun 5, 2021

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Be on the Lookout for these Despicable Viruses Jokes Times

Be on the lookout for these despicable viruses. No current virus-protection software can even detect these, much less help your system once they are on it. Beware!!!

Woody Allen Virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.

Tonya Harding Virus: Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

Paul Revere Virus: Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\

Ollie North Virus: Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.

Joey Buttafuaco Virus: Only attacks minor files.

Michael Jackson Virus: Preys on child processes.

Ronald Reagan Virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it’s stored.

Jane Fonda Virus: Attacks your hard drive’s FAT.

Oprah Winfrey Virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a “virus,” but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”

Ross Perot Virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus: Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.

Government Economist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Federal Bureaucrat Virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Adam and Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

Congressional Virus #1: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Congressional Virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.

Airline Virus: You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian Virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard, or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend’s hard drive.

PBS Virus: Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus: Your programs can never be found again.

LAPD Virus: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in “self-defense.”

O.J. Virus: It claims that it did not, could not, and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

Deathbed Request

Jun 5, 2021

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A man lying on his deathbed requested that his wife gather up all his money and place it in the attic. He would pick it up on his way out of this life.

Being the faithful, loving wife she had been for over 50 years, she did as she was told. Soon, the man died.

Weeks later, she remembered his request and went to the attic to see if he had followed through.

There, in the same place where she had left it, was the money. “I knew it,” she exclaimed, “I should have put it in the basement.”

Fifty Years of Savings

Jun 5, 2021

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The 75-year-old groom, with the young wife, caused a lot of attention as he checked into the resort hotel. The following morning, the old boy came strutting into the dining room, lookin’ great with a big smile on his face. He proceeded to order an enormous breakfast. He laughed and joked and was in obvious good spirits, whereas his young wife, who came into the room a half hour later, looked worn out. She ordered coffee in a voice so weak the waiter had to ask her to repeat the order.

The old man finished his breakfast, excused himself and left for their room.

This gave the waitress a chance to ask the bride, “Honey, I can’t figure it out. The old geezer, your husband, looks like a million and you look like two cents. What’s wrong?”

“That guy double-crossed me,” the bride said. “He told me he’d saved up for fifty years! And all the time I thought he was talking about money.

Outhouse

Jun 5, 2021

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Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time.The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally,the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.

The dad replied, “Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.It was you, wasn’t it son?”

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, “Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn’t get into trouble because he told the truth.”

The dad replied, “Well, son, George Washington’s father wasn’t in the cherry tree.”