Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider’s home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3 inch floppy ..
… you just hoped nobody ever found out!!
Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dreaded disorder that leaches calcium from the bones as people age.
The distinguished lead scientist mounts the podium to make his announcement and gives the highlights of the list.
To no one’s surprise, broccoli and cauliflower are there, and the researchers also encourage regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the bones.
But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouts from the front row, “You’ve got kissing on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis! There isn’t any calcium in a kiss!”
The scientist replied calmly, “In a good kiss, there’s enough calcium to make a BONE about 6 to 8 inches long.”
A father believed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son…
“When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”
Without looking up from his game, the boy pointed out, “When Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States.”
If AOL were a City
– You’d live in a place where no two people had the same name, and all were h0t 17/f cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced gay Dobermans in spandex.
– You’d only pay $19.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.
– Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you’d be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99
– The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.
– 48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with special offers, promotions and offers from www.girlies.com
– The local post office would tell your mother you’re not a known resident.
– The local post office wouldn’t forward your mail to you when you moved.
– The administration would kick you out of town for cursing after one of those brutal toe stubs.
– If you saw a crime and called 911, they’d reply a week later with a form letter saying how “really important you are to us.”
– The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move his slack-ass company somewhere else.
– Everyone on the street would have something to do with kiddy porn, and this business would account for 75% of all city revenue.
– Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you and violently scream, “M/F??!!,” AGE/SEX?!?!, “WHAT ARE YOUR STATS,” or “WANNA GET LUCKY?”
– Those who didn’t do that would call you and say ” Hi, I’m j0e hax0r from the town council. We had a database crash and lost your tax records. Please give us your address and the key to your house or we will be forced to evict you and your family.”
– Every time you went shopping, you’d be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming “WE’RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE.”
– Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh behind your back.
– Even your 3 year old son would know the intimate personal details of the town security expert.
– You’d occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that it’s really the Earth’s fault.
– Half the kids in the daycare you use are thinly disguised fat, hairy, drooling, diapered men holding sacks of candy.
– Your daughter would disappear to the No-Tell Motel every night, and you’d foot the bill.
– You’d send your kids to school for history, math and science, but they’d wind up studying ph1shing, one-handed typing, and annoying acronyms.
– You’d not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone’s mailbox with crap, and vacate before sunup.
– The administration would secretly sell off chunks of the city’s land, while buying up neighboring cities with imaginary funds.
– The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and advertise that children can play there free, then suddenly demand money while ripping down the swings and accosting the children playing there.
– Don’t forget the AOL playground, which is locked so that the kiddies cannot get out “for safety reasons,” and then hordes of perverts & pedophiles are allowed in.
– The police would work for free out of some sort of “duty” to the city, but would secretly only be doing it for the free food stamps.
– Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout “HEY!! YOU DO WANT AN AOL VISA, DON’T YOU?” To which you say “no.” The voice then replies “OK, I’LL ASK YOU TOMORROW.”
– A trip to the local library would find you a few ancient doom, 2 patches, commercial pics of Pamela Anderson Lee, and a viral copy of PkZip 2.04g.
– Your neighbors would be called to leave on pilgrimages to a mystical land called USENET, where they would bleat the virtues of your fair city.
– Somewhere in another city, David Cassel would be sitting with a telescope trained on City Hall, smiling contentedly.
A father believed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son…
“When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”
Without looking up from his game, the boy pointed out, “When Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States.”
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits, and then complain that he’s not the man she married?
Men are like wine – some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.
When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.
Marriage is one long conversation, checkered by disputes.
No human being believes that any other human being has a right to be in bed when he himself is up.
If you have a job without aggravations, you don’t have a job.
Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old; it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother.
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it’s time to get up.
Many a women who thinks she has purchased a dress for the ridiculous price has actually bought it for an absurd figure.
When a man says it’s a silly, childish game, it’s probably something his wife can beat him at.
You can always tell a house with young boys in it. You have to wash the soap before you can use it.
Nowadays the pay check that arrives none too soon, is too soon none.
A woman is like a tea bag: you never know her strength until she is in hot water.
Almost every child would learn to write sooner if allowed to do his homework on wet cement.
Women like the simpler things in life – like men.
Robbers demand your money or your life; women require both.
Children aren’t happy without something to ignore; and that’s what parents were created for.
It is a woman’s business to get married as soon as possible, and a mans to stay unmarried as long as he can.
All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterwards that causes all the trouble.
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