Miss Jones agreed to be interviewed by Fred for the school magazine.
“How old are you, ma’am?” asked Fred.
“I’m not going to tell you that,” she replied.
“But Mr Hill the technical teacher and Mr Hill the geography teacher told me how old they were.” Fred said.
“Oh well,” said Miss Jones. “I’m the same age as both of them.”
The poor teacher was not happy when she saw what Fred wrote:
Miss Jones, our English teacher, confided in me that she was as old as the Hills.
When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle’s prized Amazon parrot. This parrot was fully grown — with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the very least, extremely rude.
Bill tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music–anything he could think of to try and set a good example… Nothing worked. Exasperated, he yelled at the bird. But the bird just got louder. Then he shook the parrot. But the bird just got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Bill put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming…
Then, suddenly, all was quiet. Bill was frightened that he might have hurt his dead uncle’s prized parrot and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bill’s extended arm and said, “I am truly sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I humbly ask your forgiveness. I will now, from this day forth, endeavor to correct my behavior so that such an ill-perceived outburst never again occurs.”
Bill was completely astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had caused such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “May I ask what the chicken did?”
My Mother taught me LOGIC…”If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”
My Mother taught me MEDICINE…”If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.”
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD…”If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!”
My Mother taught me ESP…”Put your sweater on; don’t you think that I know when you’re cold?”
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE…”What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you…Don’t talk back to me!”
My Mother taught me HUMOR…”When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…”If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.
My mother taught me about GENETICS…”You are just like your father!”
My mother taught me about my ROOTS…”Do you think you were born in a barn?”
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE…”When you get to be my age, you will understand.”
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…”Just wait until your father gets home.”
My mother taught me about RECEIVING…”You are going to get it when we get home.”
And, my all-time favorite – JUSTICE…”One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU — then you’ll see what it’s like!”
“Now remember, boys and girls,” said the science teacher, “you can tell a tree’s age by counting the rings in a cross section. One ring for each year.”
Fred went home for tea and found a chocolate roll on the table. “I’m not eating that, Mum!” she said. “it’s five years old.”
“You’re in remarkable shape for a man your age,” said the doctor to the ninety-year old man after the examination.
“I know it,” said the old gentleman. “I’ve really got only one complaint – my sex drive is too high. Got anything you can do for that, Doc?”
The doctor’s mouth dropped open. “Your what?!” he gasped.
“My sex drive,” said the old man. “It’s too high, and I’d like to have you lower it if you can.”
“Lower it?!” exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the ninety-year old gentleman was saying. “Just what do you consider ‘high’?”
“These days it seems like it’s all in my head, Doc,” said the old man, “and I’d like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can.”
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider’s home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3 inch floppy ..
… you just hoped nobody ever found out!!
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