Thursday, September 18, 2025
Tags Posts tagged with "Afterlife"

Afterlife

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Blind Kids Jokes Times

A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school’s soccer team to an “away game”. They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture.

The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer. “We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it’s doing by listening for it. They’re pretty good at it too.” “Very clever!” remarks the other patron.

Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says, “Hey! Are you the guy with those damn blind kids from the bus?” “Yes,” says the teacher, stung by the way “his” kids are being refered to, “what about it?

You got something against blind kids?” “Nothing, ordinarily,” says the guy, still scowling out the window, “but you better get them rounded up quick! They’re kicking the hell out of my best milk cow!”

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Rooster with Pants Jokes Times

A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders.

He says, “What the hell is that all about?”

The farmer says, “We had a fire in the chicken coop and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm.

There ain’t nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other.”

Tailor Knows All Jokes Times

Rich was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his work relationships and social life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. “The good news is I can cure your headaches…the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

Rich was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need: a new suit.” He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see, you’re a 40 Regular.” Rich laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“It’s my job.”

Rich tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Rich admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?” Rich thought for a moment and then said, “Sure…”

The salesman eyed Rich and said, “Let’s see…34 sleeve and…16 and a half neck.” Rich was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“It’s my job.”

Rich tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Rich adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?”

Rich was on a roll and said, “Sure…”

The salesman eyed Rich’s feet and said, “Let’s see…9 and a half.” Rich was astonished, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“It’s my job.”

Rich tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Rich walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about a new hat?”

Without hesitating, Rich said, “Sure!”

The salesman eyed Rich’s head and said, “Let’s see…7 and 5/8ths.” Rich was incredulous, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“It’s my job.”

The hat fit perfectly. Rich was feeling great, when the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”

Rich thought for a second and said, “Sure…” The salesman stepped back, eyed Rich’s waist and said, “Let’s see…you are a 38.”

Rich laughed, “No, I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!”

Cattle Ranch Jokes Times

An Easterner has always dreamed of owning his own cattle ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams in Wyoming.

“So what did you name the ranch?” asked his best friend when he flew out to visit.

“We had a hell of a time,” admitted the new cowboy. “Couldn’t agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch.”

“Wow!” His friend was impressed. “So where are all the cows?”

“None of them survived the branding.”

The Facelift Jokes Times

A plastic surgeon invented a radical new face lift procedure and was explaining it to a prospective patient. He told her, “I’ll install a special screw in the top of your skull. Your hair will cover it so it will be unnoticed. Whenever you need a little tuck, we’ll just tighten the screw a little,… and the wrinkles will disappear!”

The woman was enthused and told the doctor to, “GO FOR IT!” The surgery was a resounding success, and the woman went home happy.

A few months later, the woman returned in a great state of agitation. She pointed to her face and said, “Just look at these bags under my eyes! Where the hell did they come from?

The surgeon looked at her closely and said, “Those aren’t BAGS under your eyes. Those are your breasts. And if you keep messing around with that screw,… pretty soon you’ll have a goatee!”

Three Nurses Jokes TImes

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.

The first nurse said, “I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven.” St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The second nurse says, “I worked in an operating room. It’s a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard.” St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The third nurse says, “I was a case manager for an HMO.”
St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse’s file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, “Congratulations! You’ve been admitted to heaven … for five days!”

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