Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It’s not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing’s happening…
Helpline – F8
Be on the Lookout for these Despicable Viruses
Be on the lookout for these despicable viruses. No current virus-protection software can even detect these, much less help your system once they are on it. Beware!!!
Woody Allen Virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.
Tonya Harding Virus: Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.
Paul Revere Virus: Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\
Ollie North Virus: Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.
Joey Buttafuaco Virus: Only attacks minor files.
Michael Jackson Virus: Preys on child processes.
Ronald Reagan Virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it’s stored.
Jane Fonda Virus: Attacks your hard drive’s FAT.
Oprah Winfrey Virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.
AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a “virus,” but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”
Ross Perot Virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus: Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.
Government Economist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
Federal Bureaucrat Virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
Adam and Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.
Congressional Virus #1: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Congressional Virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.
Airline Virus: You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Freudian Virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard, or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend’s hard drive.
PBS Virus: Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.
Jimmy Hoffa Virus: Your programs can never be found again.
LAPD Virus: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in “self-defense.”
O.J. Virus: It claims that it did not, could not, and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.
Life and the Computer
Don’t you wish when life is bad and things just don’t compute that all we really had to do was stop and hit reboot?
Things would all turn out ok life could be so sweet if we had those special keys ctrl and alt delete
Your boss is mad, your bills not paid, your wife, well she’s just mute. Just stop and hit those wonderful keys that make it all reboot.
You’d like to have another job you fear living in the street? You solve it all and start anew ctrl and alt delete.
ID Ten T Error
Young Jane, the editor of a news publication, was having trouble with her computer. So she called Tim, the computer guy, over to her desk.
Tim clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, Jane called after him, “So, what was wrong?”
And he replied, “It was an ID ten T error.”
A puzzled expression ran riot over Jane’s face. “An ID ten T error? What’s that … in case I need to fix it again??”
He gave her a grin… 😉 … “Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?”
“No,” replied Jane.
“Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.”
(She wrote…) I D 1 0 T Error
Tractor Dealer
Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar.
Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him. “Say, Chris, how ya doing? How’s the tractor selling business these days?”
If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye.
“John,” he said, shaking his head, “I don’t know what it is. I can’t sell a tractor these days to save my life. I’ll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and soon, or else I’ll lose that dealership for good.”
“Well,” John said, taking the barstool next to him, “If you think you got it bad, I got it worse. Now you listen to this….” “I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That ol’ cow gets more ornery as the years go by.
Anyway, no sooner did I sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol’ Bes starts a slappin’ me with her tail. After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol’ Bessy’s tail to the rafters.
Then I got back to work.” “I didn’t even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy, did that upset me! So I get me another rope an’ tie Bessy’s right hind leg to the side of the milking stall, and get a started trying to milk her again.”
“Well by this time, Bessy’s about livid, and she doesn’t want any part of it, so she let’s me have it with her other hind leg. I wasn’t about to give in to this ol’ cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope and tied up Bessy’s left leg to the other side of the stall.”
Just then John paused to take a sip his beer. Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John, “Well, did you finally get to milk her?” “Well, yes and no, Chris. But I’ll tell ya what… If you can convince my wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I’ll BUY a tractor from ya….!”
Extra Water
An old bloke in the Northern Territory was showing some tourists how to top up a camel with water.
“That way,” he said, “You get an extra day out of them between drinks.
“As the camel bent down to drink, the bloke picked up two bricks and bashed them over the camel’s balls. The camel sucked in its breath and took on three days’ extra water.
“Doesn’t that hurt?” asked a tourist. “Nah,” replied the bloke. “Only if you get your fingers caught!”
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An Insult
I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
