The Mechanic

Jun 4, 2021

0 887

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey Doc can I ask you a question?”

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix’em, put ’em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, whispering to the mechanic….. “Try doing it with the engine running!”

Railroad

Jun 4, 2021

0 209

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He’d never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn’t know what it was. Predictably, he’s hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he’s at his friend’s house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognisable lump of metal.

His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what’s happened and asks the desert man, “Why’d you ruin my good tea kettle?”

The desert man replies, “Man, you gotta kill these things when they’re small.”

Canon Help Desk

Jun 4, 2021

0 273

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

The tech asked her if she was “running it under Windows.” The woman responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that’s a good point.

The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.”

Watermelons Farm

Jun 4, 2021

0 683

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.

After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, “Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.”

The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer’s sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read, “Now there are two!”

E-mail Truths

Jun 4, 2021

0 208

NOW REPEAT AFTER ME …

I will NOT have bad luck, lose my friends, lose my mailing lists, hear music, or see a cool pop up screen if I don’t forward this.

Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money.

Victoria’s Secret does NOT know anything about a gift certificate they’re supposed to send me, and Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people.

I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, or Old Navy if I send this to 10 people who don’t know who I am anyway.

I will NEVER see a pop up window if I forward this …. NEVER!!!!

My phone will NOT mysteriously ring after I forward this.

There is NO SUCH THING as an Email tracker, and I am NOT STUPID ENOUGH to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding this to 10 or more people.

There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything. Maybe he did when he was 7 years old, but he is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN’T WANT ANY MORE POSTCARDS, CALLING CARDS OR GET WELL CARDS!

The government does NOT have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that if passed will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every sent e-mail.

There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flower, character, or program I will receive immediately after I forward this. People are just trying to talk me into doing it to make me look like a fool.

Laytex Gloves

Jun 4, 2021

0 131

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady’s teeth.

He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves…

“Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?”

She said, “No?”

“Well,” he spoofed, “down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size.

Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands!

Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big ‘Finished Goods Crate’ and start the process all over again.”

And she didn’t laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.

The old woman blushed and exclaimed, “I just suddenly thought about how they must make Laytex Condoms