Help desk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?
Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don’t understand your problem?
Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
August 6, 1997: “The era of competition between good and evil is over,” Steve Jobs told a keynote audience at MacWorld Expo today. “We have to let go of the notion that for good to triumph, evil must perish.”
In a presentation that had been anxiously awaited by the Mac community, Jobs announced a historic deal between Apple Computer and Beelzebub, Lord of Darkness and Supreme Ruler of the Empire of Evil.
During his short speech to a stunned crowd, Jobs said that Satan will be purchasing $150M worth of Apple staff’s souls, at the current market price. “I have Lucifer’s word that he will not use his control over these souls to influence the direction we take in any way.” Furthermore, said Jobs, the Devil will not be able to cash in any of the immortal souls for three whole years.
The Antichrist then addressed the room via a live link from the Pits of Hell, and said that the Empire of Evil is committed to developing major pestilences for the Mac platform — including Office 98 — for at least the next five years. A collaboration on destroying the Sun is also part of the deal with the Lord of Darkness.
Jobs said that Mac users should be grateful for the happiness that an honest, widely-respected and much-loved organization like The Eternal Pit of Torment will bring to the Mac community.
In the wake of the announcement, Apple’s stock leapt 30 pieces of silver over the previous day’s high.
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his sergeant, “BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!” The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain’s quarters.
The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the sergeant, “Is that how the enlisted men do it?”
The sergeant replied, “Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town.”
I work in a busy office where a computer going down causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor. “This computer has flat-lined,” a co-worker called out with mock horror. “Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?”
Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on its hot new portable PC called the Vaio. Instead of producing the cryptic error messages characteristic of Microsoft’s Windows and DOS systems, Sony’s chairman Asai Tawara said, “We intend to capture the high ground by putting a human, Japanese face on what has been-until now-an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony. For example, we have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with our own Japanese haiku poetry.”
The computer haiku messages are just as informative as Microsoft’s and they make you pause just long enough that you’re able to fight the impulse to put a fist through the screen. The chairman went on to give examples of Sony’s new error messages:
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
You seek a Web site.
It cannot be located.
Countless more exist.
Chaos reigns within.
Stop, reflect, and reboot.
Order shall return.
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask way too much.
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
So beautifully.
With searching comes loss.
The presence of absence.
“June Sales.doc” not found.
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao
Until you bring fresh toner.
Windows NT crashed.
The Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
You step in the stream
But the water has moved on.
Page not found.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you are seeking
Must now be retyped.
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
Prev
