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Fifty Years of Savings

Jun 5, 2021

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The 75-year-old groom, with the young wife, caused a lot of attention as he checked into the resort hotel. The following morning, the old boy came strutting into the dining room, lookin’ great with a big smile on his face. He proceeded to order an enormous breakfast. He laughed and joked and was in obvious good spirits, whereas his young wife, who came into the room a half hour later, looked worn out. She ordered coffee in a voice so weak the waiter had to ask her to repeat the order.

The old man finished his breakfast, excused himself and left for their room.

This gave the waitress a chance to ask the bride, “Honey, I can’t figure it out. The old geezer, your husband, looks like a million and you look like two cents. What’s wrong?”

“That guy double-crossed me,” the bride said. “He told me he’d saved up for fifty years! And all the time I thought he was talking about money.

Cross-eyed Rottweiler

Jun 5, 2021

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A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”

“Well,” said the vet, “lets have a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.

“Hmm,” says the vet, “I’m going to have to put him down” “Just because he’s cross-eyed?” says the man.

“No, because he’s heavy,” says the vet.

The Liar Horse

Jun 5, 2021

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A travelling salesman stopped alongside a field on a country road to rest a few minutes. The man had just closed his eyes when a horse came to the fence and began to boast about his past.

“Yes sir, I’m a fine horse. I’ve run in 25 races and won over 5 million dollars. I keep my trophies in the barn.

“The salesman worked out the value of having a talking horse, found the horse’s owner and offered a handsome sum for the animal.

“Oh, you don’t want that horse,” said the farmer. “Yes I do,” said the salesman, “and I’ll give you $10,000 for the horse.

“Recognising a good deal, the farmer said without hesitation, “He’s yours.”

While he wrote out his cheque, the salesman asked, “By the way, why wouldn’t I want your horse?” “Because,” said the farmer, “he’s a liar – he hasn’t won a race in his life.”

Outhouse

Jun 5, 2021

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Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time.The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally,the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.

The dad replied, “Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.It was you, wasn’t it son?”

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, “Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn’t get into trouble because he told the truth.”

The dad replied, “Well, son, George Washington’s father wasn’t in the cherry tree.”

Happy Butt

Jun 5, 2021

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It was this little girl’s first day of school and the teacher asked her what her name was and she replied, “Happy Butt.” The teacher said,”Honey I don’t think that’s your name you need to go to the principal’s office and get this straightened out.” So she went to the principal’s office and he asked, “What’s your name?” And the little girl said, “Happy Butt.”

The principal called the girl’s mother to get this straightened out once and for all. After Getting off the phone he looked at the little girl and said, “Honey, your name’s is Gladys, not Happy Butt.”

The girl then exclaimed, “Glad Ass, Happy Butt” what’s the difference?

Blind Dog on a Plane

Jun 5, 2021

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John was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time the plane took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.

Unexpectedly, they stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if they wanted to get off the aircraft, they would re-board in thirty minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. John noticed him as he walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.

John could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, “Keith, we’re in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?”

Keith replied, “No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs. Would you take him for me please?”

Now picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses that day. People scattered not only trying to change planes but also trying to change airlines!