The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read: “I’m the Boss!” He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: “Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”
When my printer’s type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.
Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job myself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”
“Actually it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied sheepishly. “We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”
“Brussels police department, how may I assist you?”
“Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie.”
“Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?”
“No”
“Well, let me get a little information about you for our records.
Your name?”
“Bill Gates”
“Country?”
“USA”
“Native language?”
“English”
“Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please
use this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in
the face with a pie?”
“Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One
person distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie.”
“We’ve had other customers report that they were hit in the face with
a custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?”
“Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don’t see any
custard, so I really don’t think it was a custard pie.”
“Have you visited the Prime Minister before?”
“Yes”
“Were you hit in the face with a pie then?”
“No”
“Hmm… have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?”
“Yes”
“Any pies then?”
“No”
“Okay, well.. let’s try something. Go outside the building and come
in again. I’ll wait.”
“Just a minute..” “Okay, I’m back.”
“Did you get hit by another pie?”
“Of course not”
“Well sir, I don’t know what could have caused the first pie, but it
looks like things are working fine now. I’ll make a note of the
problem, though. If it happens again, please note the exact details
of the situation and call us again. Thank you for calling the
Brussels Police Department. “
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, “Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it.
Our lives depend on it!”
“Dear,” the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, “I’m so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!”
The young accounting graduate, fresh out of uni and knowing everything, applied for his first job. The prospective employer asked him what starting salary he was looking for. “Oh, around $100,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” Graduate replied.
“Well, how does this sound? Five weeks annual leave, 22.5% superannuation, paid expenses to overseas conferences every year, home telephone reimbursed and a company car replaced every 20,000 kilometers, say a Mercedes convertible.” Employer offered.
The graduate sat up straight and tried not to look excited. “Wow. Are you kidding?” “Yeah. But you started it.”
A teacher asked her class, “What do you want out of life?”
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, “All I want out of life is four little animals.”
The teacher asked, “Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?”
The little girl said “A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed and a jackass to pay for all of it”.
The Teacher Fainted
Prev
