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Bets for a Living

Jun 5, 2021

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A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only patron in the bar when he walked in. He talks to him for about 5 minutes then moves to the other end of the bar. The bar owner walks up to him and asks if he would like a drink. He orders a beer and says, “Man! That guy down there sure does complain alot. He thinks he’s got it rough, but his life is easy!”

The bartender looks at him and says, “Hey, mister! I’ve seen you in here before. You’re in here any day of the week at any time. Just what do you do for a living?”

The guy replies, “I make bets for a living. I’ll show you. I’ll bet you $5 I can bite my right eye!” The bartender looks at him and says, “OK, you’re on.”

The guy takes his glass eye out and clenches it between his teeth.

The bartender says, “I didn’t know you had a glass eye. You win.”

The guy then says, “I’ll let you win your money back. I’ll bet you $5 I can bite my left eye.”

The bartender thinks for a moment and replies, “I know you’re not blind so you can’t have 2 glass eyes. OK, your on!” The guy then proceeds to take his false teeth out of his mouth and clamps them over his left eye. With this, the bartender says, “Hey buddy, you won again.As you can see,I don’t do a lot of business in here. I can’t afford to make any more bets with you.”

The guy replies, “I’ll tell you what. I’ll give you a guaranteed way to win your money back. I’ll bet you $10 that I can walk 6 feet away and pee in this bottle, which I’ll leave here on the bar. I won’t miss a drop. I won’t even hit the rim, it will go right in the bottle.”

After a few minutes of thought, the bartender says, “There’s no way! You’re on!”

The guy walks 6 feet from the bar, drops his pants and pees all over everything. He pees on the bar, the stools and the floor. He doesn’t even come close to hitting the bottle, let alone getting it in the bottle. With this, the bartender starts laughing and exclaims, “Ahah! I knew you couldn’t do it. I won my back my $10!!!” Just then, the guy at the other end of the bar passes out. The bartender looks down at him and says, “What happened to him?”

The guy replies, “Oh, he’ll be alright. I just bet him $1000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you’d laugh about it.”

Why… YOU

Jun 5, 2021

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There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn’t move for half an hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down.

The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said: “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man crying.”

“No, it’s not that. Today is the worst of day my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me.”

“When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab.”

“I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison…”

Three Babies

Jun 5, 2021

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Three babies are in their mother’s womb. One of them says, “I want to be an artist, so everyone will know what it looks like in here.”

The next one says, “I want to be an olympic swimmer because I get so much practice in here.”

Then the last baby says,” I’m going to be a hunter, because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again I’m gonna chop that damned thing in half!”

Vibration on a Plane

Jun 5, 2021

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According to “The Australian,” an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight.

The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign.

The vibration stopped immediately. A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.

You Never Learn Nothin

Jun 5, 2021

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A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out on the water, the boy suddenly became curious about things in general and started asking all sorts of questions. He asked his father, “Why does the boat float? The father replied, “Don’t rightly know son.”

A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, “How do fish breath underwater?” Once again the father replied, “Don’t rightly know son.” A little later the boy asked his father, “Why is the sky blue?” Again, the father repied. “Don’t rightly know son.”

Finally, the boy asked his father, “Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?” The father replied, “Of course not, if you don’t ask questions, you never learn nothin’.”

Hi-Tech

Jun 5, 2021

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A guy walks into a bar and sits down.

He starts dialling numbers like there’s a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking.

Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighbourhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here.

The guy says, “You don’t understand. I’m very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.”

The bartender says “Prove it.” The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.

“That’s incredible!” says the bartender. “I would never have believed it!” “Yeah”, said the guy, “I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it.

By the way, where is the men’s room?” The bartender directs him to the men’s room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn’t return.

Fearing the worst given the neighbourhood, the bartender goes into the men’s room to check on the guy.

The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

“Oh my god!” said the bartender. “Did they rob you? Are you hurt?”

The guy turns and says: “No, no, I’m ok. I’m just waiting for a fax.”