I ran into Jim at work yesterday. He had been out for a few days with the flu. I asked him how he was feeling.
“I’m better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience.” he replied.
“Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?” I asked in stunned disbelief.
“Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!”
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn’t get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn’t go to Sunday School. So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there.
One little boy said, “We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?”
“Sure,” said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.
Then he said, “Now go out and play.”
When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, “What religion do you think we are?”
The oldest one said, “We’re not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you.”
“We’re not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water.”
“We’re not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle you.”
The littlest one said, “Didn’t you smell that water!”
“Yeah! What do you think that means?”
“I think it means we’re Pisscopalians.”
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.
However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it’s a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.
Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion’s cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.
Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.
Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, “Help, Help me!”, but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, “Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?”
My Mother taught me LOGIC…”If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”
My Mother taught me MEDICINE…”If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.”
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD…”If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!”
My Mother taught me ESP…”Put your sweater on; don’t you think that I know when you’re cold?”
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE…”What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you…Don’t talk back to me!”
My Mother taught me HUMOR…”When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…”If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.
My mother taught me about GENETICS…”You are just like your father!”
My mother taught me about my ROOTS…”Do you think you were born in a barn?”
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE…”When you get to be my age, you will understand.”
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…”Just wait until your father gets home.”
My mother taught me about RECEIVING…”You are going to get it when we get home.”
And, my all-time favorite – JUSTICE…”One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU — then you’ll see what it’s like!”
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?” “The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained the Flight Attendant, “and it took us a while to find a new pilot.”
When I was in junior. high, all I wanted was a girl with big tits. In high school, I dated a girl with big tits, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.
I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned. Now all I want is a girl with big tits.
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