If AOL were a City

– You’d live in a place where no two people had the same name, and all were h0t 17/f cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced gay Dobermans in spandex.

– You’d only pay $19.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.

– Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you’d be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99

– The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.

– 48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with special offers, promotions and offers from www.girlies.com

– The local post office would tell your mother you’re not a known resident.

– The local post office wouldn’t forward your mail to you when you moved.

– The administration would kick you out of town for cursing after one of those brutal toe stubs.

– If you saw a crime and called 911, they’d reply a week later with a form letter saying how “really important you are to us.”

– The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move his slack-ass company somewhere else.

– Everyone on the street would have something to do with kiddy porn, and this business would account for 75% of all city revenue.

– Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you and violently scream, “M/F??!!,” AGE/SEX?!?!, “WHAT ARE YOUR STATS,” or “WANNA GET LUCKY?”

– Those who didn’t do that would call you and say ” Hi, I’m j0e hax0r from the town council. We had a database crash and lost your tax records. Please give us your address and the key to your house or we will be forced to evict you and your family.”

– Every time you went shopping, you’d be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming “WE’RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE.”

– Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh behind your back.

– Even your 3 year old son would know the intimate personal details of the town security expert.

– You’d occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that it’s really the Earth’s fault.

– Half the kids in the daycare you use are thinly disguised fat, hairy, drooling, diapered men holding sacks of candy.

– Your daughter would disappear to the No-Tell Motel every night, and you’d foot the bill.

– You’d send your kids to school for history, math and science, but they’d wind up studying ph1shing, one-handed typing, and annoying acronyms.

– You’d not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone’s mailbox with crap, and vacate before sunup.

– The administration would secretly sell off chunks of the city’s land, while buying up neighboring cities with imaginary funds.

– The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and advertise that children can play there free, then suddenly demand money while ripping down the swings and accosting the children playing there.

– Don’t forget the AOL playground, which is locked so that the kiddies cannot get out “for safety reasons,” and then hordes of perverts & pedophiles are allowed in.

– The police would work for free out of some sort of “duty” to the city, but would secretly only be doing it for the free food stamps.

– Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout “HEY!! YOU DO WANT AN AOL VISA, DON’T YOU?” To which you say “no.” The voice then replies “OK, I’LL ASK YOU TOMORROW.”

– A trip to the local library would find you a few ancient doom, 2 patches, commercial pics of Pamela Anderson Lee, and a viral copy of PkZip 2.04g.

– Your neighbors would be called to leave on pilgrimages to a mystical land called USENET, where they would bleat the virtues of your fair city.

– Somewhere in another city, David Cassel would be sitting with a telescope trained on City Hall, smiling contentedly.