I have a friend named Jack, who is a pilot on a 747.
I said “Hi Jack. “He shot me.
My Pilot Friend
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Three for a Dollar
A grocer put up a sign that read “Eggplants, 25ยข each – three for a dollar.” All day long, customers came in exclaiming: “Don’t be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!” Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants.
The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, “Aren’t you going to fix the mistake on your sign?” “What mistake?” the grocer asked. “Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant.”
Left of the Screen
Helpdesk: Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
Does this cures chapped lips?
An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day.
The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don’t shine.
He dropped the horse’s tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.
“Hold on there, Mister,” said the sheriff. “Did I just see what I think I saw?”
“Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips.”
“And that cures them?” the Sheriff asked.
“Nope, but it keeps me from lick’en ’em.”
Helping Hand
A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.”What are they doing, Grandma?” asked the little girl.
The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, “The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor.”
“They’re just like people, aren’t they Grandma?” said the little one.
“How do you mean?” asked the Grandma.
“Offer someone a helping hand,” said the little girl,”and they screw you every time!”
Birthday Party
This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band, and a hired clown.
Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up and she unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn.
She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She speaks to the other bum and says, “What you friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing.
Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!”
The bum replies, “Well, I dunno. HEY WILLIE! FOR $50. WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?”
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