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Daddy Longlegs Spider

Jun 6, 2021

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A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked. “They’re mating,”her father replied.

“What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked.

“That’s a Daddy Longlegs.” Her father answered.

“So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?” the little girl asked.

“No,” her father replied. “Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.”

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

“Well, that might be OK in California, BUT we’re not having any of that crap in Texas”

Railroad

Jun 6, 2021

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A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He’d never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn’t know what it was. Predictably, he’s hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he’s at his friend’s house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognisable lump of metal.

His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what’s happened and asks the desert man, “Why’d you ruin my good tea kettle?”

The desert man replies, “Man, you gotta kill these things when they’re small.”

Watermelons Farm

Jun 6, 2021

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There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.

After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, “Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.”

The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer’s sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read, “Now there are two!”

Canon Help Desk

Jun 6, 2021

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A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

The tech asked her if she was “running it under Windows.” The woman responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that’s a good point.

The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.”

E-mail Truths

Jun 6, 2021

0 229

NOW REPEAT AFTER ME …

I will NOT have bad luck, lose my friends, lose my mailing lists, hear music, or see a cool pop up screen if I don’t forward this.

Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money.

Victoria’s Secret does NOT know anything about a gift certificate they’re supposed to send me, and Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people.

I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, or Old Navy if I send this to 10 people who don’t know who I am anyway.

I will NEVER see a pop up window if I forward this …. NEVER!!!!

My phone will NOT mysteriously ring after I forward this.

There is NO SUCH THING as an Email tracker, and I am NOT STUPID ENOUGH to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding this to 10 or more people.

There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything. Maybe he did when he was 7 years old, but he is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN’T WANT ANY MORE POSTCARDS, CALLING CARDS OR GET WELL CARDS!

The government does NOT have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that if passed will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every sent e-mail.

There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flower, character, or program I will receive immediately after I forward this. People are just trying to talk me into doing it to make me look like a fool.

Jet Fuel

Jun 6, 2021

0 235

A couple of drinkin’ buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the hanger at SFO; it’s fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, “Man, have you got anything to drink?”

“Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel – that’ll kinda give you a buzz.”

So they do, get smashed and have a beautiful time; like only drinkin’ buddies can do. The following morning, one of them wakes up and he knows his head will explode if he gets up. But it doesn’t. He gets up and feels good, in fact, he feels great! NO hangover!

The phone rings, it’s his buddy. The buddy says, “Hey, how do you feel?” He says, “I feel great!!” and his buddy says, “I feel great too!! You don’t have a hangover?” and he says, “No – that jet fuel is great stuff! No hangover! We ought to do this more often!” “Yeah, we could, but there’s just one thing…”

“What’s that?”
“Did you fart yet?”
“What??”
“Did you FART yet??”
“No…”
“Well, DON’T, ’cause I’m in another country!!”