A grocer put up a sign that read “Eggplants, 25¢ each – three for a dollar.” All day long, customers came in exclaiming: “Don’t be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!” Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants.
The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, “Aren’t you going to fix the mistake on your sign?” “What mistake?” the grocer asked. “Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant.”
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”
The husband says, “WHAT??”
The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can’t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond ear rings.
The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out — but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says “but you don’t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let’s get it.”
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says “I am ready to go, let’s go to the cash register.”
The husband says, “No, no, no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff.” The wife’s face goes blank. “No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.” Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the Husband says, “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!
When my printer’s type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job myself. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?” “Actually it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied sheepishly. “We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”
Larry’s barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.
Susan told the insurance company, “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.”
The agent replied, “Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.”
There was a long pause before Susan replied, “Then I’d like to cancel the policy on my husband.”
First Guy: I’m going to a bank.
Second Guy: What’s your exit strategy?
Rich was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his work relationships and social life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. “The good news is I can cure your headaches…the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”
Rich was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need: a new suit.” He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see, you’re a 40 Regular.” Rich laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“It’s my job.”
Rich tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Rich admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?” Rich thought for a moment and then said, “Sure…”
The salesman eyed Rich and said, “Let’s see…34 sleeve and…16 and a half neck.” Rich was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“It’s my job.”
Rich tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Rich adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?”
Rich was on a roll and said, “Sure…”
The salesman eyed Rich’s feet and said, “Let’s see…9 and a half.” Rich was astonished, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“It’s my job.”
Rich tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Rich walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about a new hat?”
Without hesitating, Rich said, “Sure!”
The salesman eyed Rich’s head and said, “Let’s see…7 and 5/8ths.” Rich was incredulous, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“It’s my job.”
The hat fit perfectly. Rich was feeling great, when the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”
Rich thought for a second and said, “Sure…” The salesman stepped back, eyed Rich’s waist and said, “Let’s see…you are a 38.”
Rich laughed, “No, I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”
The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!”
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