Buying Alligator Shoes

Jun 6, 2021

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A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes.

However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting “I don’t give two hoots for your shoes man, I’ll go and kill my own “croc!,” to which the shopkeeper replied, “by all means, just watch out for those two “ole boys” who are doing the same!”.

So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. ‘They must be the ‘ole boys’ he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them.

The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer.

Just as the beast was about to swallow the him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already laying.

Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one exclaimed “Darn! This one doesn’t have any shoes either!”.

No Pockets

Jun 6, 2021

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A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit.

A week later, he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business. As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets.

He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, “Didn’t you tell me you were a banker?” The young man answered, “Yes, I did.” To this the tailor said, “Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?”

New Horse Important Race

Jun 6, 2021

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The horse’s trainer meets the jockey before the race and says,
“All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that, you’ll be fine.”

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.

The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers “Aleeee ooop” in the horse’s ear. The same thing happens, the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, It’s no good, I’ll have to do it, and yells, “ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly.

Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, “Nothing is wrong with me, it’s this bloody horse. What is he, deaf or something?”

The trainer replies, “Deaf?? DEAF?? He’s not deaf, he is just BLIND!”

High Medical Cost

Jun 5, 2021

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As I was admitted the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist, saying ” I’m going to give you a bracelet.”

” Has it got Rubies and Diamonds ? ” I ask coyly.

” No, ” he said. ” But it’ll cost just as much. “

Health Care

Jun 5, 2021

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The Queen of England is touring an American Hospital with the Surgeon General.

As they walk through the corridors she looks into a patient’s room. In the room, is a man laying on his bed masturbating. “Oh my stars! What on earth is going on in there?!” exclaimed the Queen.

The Surgeon General replied, “Why mam, this man has a serious testicle disorder, if he does not relieve himself this way at least five times a day, they will fill up with semen and explode.” “Oh, the poor dear!” the Queen said sorrowfully.

Further up the hall the queen looks into another patient’s room and there is a man laying on his bed with a nurse giving him a blow job!

“That’s disgusting!” exclaimed the queen, “What’s going on in there?!”

The Surgeon General replied, “same problem, better health plan.”

Fifty Years of Savings

Jun 5, 2021

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The 75-year-old groom, with the young wife, caused a lot of attention as he checked into the resort hotel. The following morning, the old boy came strutting into the dining room, lookin’ great with a big smile on his face. He proceeded to order an enormous breakfast. He laughed and joked and was in obvious good spirits, whereas his young wife, who came into the room a half hour later, looked worn out. She ordered coffee in a voice so weak the waiter had to ask her to repeat the order.

The old man finished his breakfast, excused himself and left for their room.

This gave the waitress a chance to ask the bride, “Honey, I can’t figure it out. The old geezer, your husband, looks like a million and you look like two cents. What’s wrong?”

“That guy double-crossed me,” the bride said. “He told me he’d saved up for fifty years! And all the time I thought he was talking about money.