The Letter

Jun 4, 2021

0 188

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, “Dad”With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I’ve been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice – even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes.

But it’s not only the passion dad, she’s pregnant, and Joan said that we will be very happy. Even though you don’t care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams too.

Joan taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!

Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, John

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbour’s house. Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that’s in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

High Urinals

Jun 4, 2021

0 399

A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men’s room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their “wee-wees” to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, “You must be in the fourth grade.”

He replied, “No, ma’am, I’m riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race today.

Sure Cure

Jun 4, 2021

0 151

“Doctor, my child has swallowed a magnet!”
“Don’t panic, the magnet should pass through his system soon.”

“How will I be sure?” she pressed.
“Stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off,you’ll know.”

Goodbye Daddy

Jun 4, 2021

0 292

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying:’God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.’ The father asked, ‘Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?’ The little girl said, ‘I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.’

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: ‘God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.’

The next day the grandmother died. ‘Holy **** ‘ thought the father,this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: ‘God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.’

He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said ‘I’ve never seen you work so late,what’s the matter?’

He said ‘I don’t want to talk about it; I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.’

She said, ‘You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!

Lost in Mall

Jun 4, 2021

0 731

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He Approached a uniformed policeman and said, “I’ve lost my Grandpa!” The cop asked, “What’s he like?”

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

“Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.”

Daddy Longlegs Spider

Jun 4, 2021

0 1310

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked. “They’re mating,”her father replied.

“What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked.

“That’s a Daddy Longlegs.” Her father answered.

“So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?” the little girl asked.

“No,” her father replied. “Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.”

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

“Well, that might be OK in California, BUT we’re not having any of that crap in Texas”