Sunday School

Jun 5, 2021

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I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?”

“NO!” the children answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard,and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”

Again, the answer was, “NO!”

By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! “Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?”

I asked them again. Again, they all answered, “NO!”

I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out,

“YOU GOTTA BE DEAD”

Pregnant Mum

Jun 5, 2021

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When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, “Mummy, you are getting fat!”

I replied, “Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.”

“I know,” she replied, but what’s growing in your bum?”

Grandma

Jun 5, 2021

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I was out walking with my 4-year-old Granddaughter. She picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in her mouth.I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

‘Why?’ my Granddaughter asked.

‘Because it’s been on the ground; you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty, and probably has germs,’ I replied. At this point, my Granddaughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, ‘Grandma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.’

I was thinking quickly. ‘All Grandmas know this stuff. It’s on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Grandma.’

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. ‘Oh…..I get it!’ she beamed, ‘So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the Grandpa’.

‘Exactly,’ I replied with a big smile on my face.

First Wedding

Jun 5, 2021

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A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”

“Sixteen,” the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. “How do you know that?”

“Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”

Three Babies

Jun 5, 2021

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Three babies are in their mother’s womb. One of them says, “I want to be an artist, so everyone will know what it looks like in here.”

The next one says, “I want to be an olympic swimmer because I get so much practice in here.”

Then the last baby says,” I’m going to be a hunter, because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again I’m gonna chop that damned thing in half!”

You Never Learn Nothin

Jun 5, 2021

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A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out on the water, the boy suddenly became curious about things in general and started asking all sorts of questions. He asked his father, “Why does the boat float? The father replied, “Don’t rightly know son.”

A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, “How do fish breath underwater?” Once again the father replied, “Don’t rightly know son.” A little later the boy asked his father, “Why is the sky blue?” Again, the father repied. “Don’t rightly know son.”

Finally, the boy asked his father, “Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?” The father replied, “Of course not, if you don’t ask questions, you never learn nothin’.”