Oh no, not that Nun again

Jun 5, 2021

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John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

“You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!”

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. “How do you know this, Sister?”

“My Mother Superior told me so.”

“But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?”

“Don’t be ridiculous–of course I have never taken alcohol myself”

“Then let me buy you a drink – if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life”

“How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!”

“I’ll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know.

“The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar. “Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks”, then he lowers his voice and says to the barman “and could you put the vodka in a teacup?”

“Oh no! It’s not that Nun again is it?”

Three vampires in a Bar

Jun 4, 2021

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Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down.

The first vampire says, “I’d like a pint of blood.” The second vampire says, “I’d like a pint of blood, too.” Then the third vampire says, “I’d like a pint a plasma.”

Then the bartender says, “OK, so let me get this straight, you want two bloods and a blood light?”

Two Guys in a Bar

Jun 4, 2021

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Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on.

It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. “I’ll bet you $10 he’ll jump,” said the first guy. “Bet you $10 he won’t,” said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

“I can’t take your money,” said the first guy. “I cheated you. The same story was on the five o’clock news.”

“No, no. Take it,” said the second guy. “I saw the five o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”

Birthday Party

Jun 4, 2021

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This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band, and a hired clown.

Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.

Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up and she unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn.

She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She speaks to the other bum and says, “What you friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing.

Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!”

The bum replies, “Well, I dunno. HEY WILLIE! FOR $50. WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?”

Drunken Dave

Jun 4, 2021

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Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. ‘Who the hell are you?’, demanded Dave, ‘and what are you doing in my bedroom ?’

The mysterious man answered, ‘This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St Peter.’

Dave was stunned. ‘You mean I’m dead !!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for – and I haven’t said goodbye to my family. . .. You’ve gotto send me back straight away.’

St Peter replied, ‘Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.’

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.

‘This ain’t so bad’, he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, ‘So you’re the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?’

‘It’s not so bad’, replies Dave, ‘but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode.’

‘You’re ovulating’, explained the rooster. ‘Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before.’

‘Never’, replies Dave.

‘Well just relax and let it happen’.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg popsout from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing thatever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting…

‘Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You’ve crapped the bed!..