Best not to Boast

Jun 5, 2021

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Four friends, who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained started talking about their kids.

The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he’s the president of the company. He Became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes For his birthday.”

The second guy said, “Darn, that’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He’s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.”

The third man said: “Well, that’s terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.”

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: “What are all the congratulations for?”

One of the three said: “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..

What about your son?”

The fourth man replied: “My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.”

The three friends said: “What a shame…what a disappointment.”

The fourth man replied: “No, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him. And he hasn’t done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet, and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.”

Hi-Tech

Jun 5, 2021

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A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers…like a telephone…on his open hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking. Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here. The guy says, “You don’t understand. I’m very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.”

The bartender says “prove it.” The guy dials up a number and extends his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. “Thats incredible!” said the bartender.” I would never have believed it!” “Yeah”, said the guy. “I can keep in touch with my broker,my wife, you name it. By the ways where is the mens room?” The bartender directs him to the mens room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn’t return.

Fearing the worst given the nature of the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men’s rest room to check on the guy. The guy is spread eagled up against the wall. His pants are rolled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. “Oh my God!” said the bartender. “Did they rob you? Are you hurt?” The guy turns and say’s “No, no I’m ok I’m just waiting for a fax.”

The Horseless Cowboy

Jun 5, 2021

0 261

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

“Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?”

The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”

Beers after Work

Jun 5, 2021

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A man was approached by a co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she doesn’t allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.

The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem, “When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife’s panties, and give her oral sex.

Women love it, and believe me, she’ll never mention that you were out late with the boys.” So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife’s panties, and gave her oral sex.

She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told her he’d be right back. He got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the toilet. “How did you get in here?” he asked. “Shhhhh!!!” she replied, “you’ll wake-up my mother!”

Cigarette Run

Jun 5, 2021

0 303

A man tells his wife that he’s going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it’s closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he’s in this girl’s apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

“Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!” he exclaimed. “Quick give me some
talcum powder!”

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she’s furious.

“Where the hell have you been!”?

He says, “Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this lovely lady and I slept with her.”

“Let me see your hands!” she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

“Damn liar, you were out bowling again!”

Bets for a Living

Jun 5, 2021

0 180

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only patron in the bar when he walked in. He talks to him for about 5 minutes then moves to the other end of the bar. The bar owner walks up to him and asks if he would like a drink. He orders a beer and says, “Man! That guy down there sure does complain alot. He thinks he’s got it rough, but his life is easy!”

The bartender looks at him and says, “Hey, mister! I’ve seen you in here before. You’re in here any day of the week at any time. Just what do you do for a living?”

The guy replies, “I make bets for a living. I’ll show you. I’ll bet you $5 I can bite my right eye!” The bartender looks at him and says, “OK, you’re on.”

The guy takes his glass eye out and clenches it between his teeth.

The bartender says, “I didn’t know you had a glass eye. You win.”

The guy then says, “I’ll let you win your money back. I’ll bet you $5 I can bite my left eye.”

The bartender thinks for a moment and replies, “I know you’re not blind so you can’t have 2 glass eyes. OK, your on!” The guy then proceeds to take his false teeth out of his mouth and clamps them over his left eye. With this, the bartender says, “Hey buddy, you won again.As you can see,I don’t do a lot of business in here. I can’t afford to make any more bets with you.”

The guy replies, “I’ll tell you what. I’ll give you a guaranteed way to win your money back. I’ll bet you $10 that I can walk 6 feet away and pee in this bottle, which I’ll leave here on the bar. I won’t miss a drop. I won’t even hit the rim, it will go right in the bottle.”

After a few minutes of thought, the bartender says, “There’s no way! You’re on!”

The guy walks 6 feet from the bar, drops his pants and pees all over everything. He pees on the bar, the stools and the floor. He doesn’t even come close to hitting the bottle, let alone getting it in the bottle. With this, the bartender starts laughing and exclaims, “Ahah! I knew you couldn’t do it. I won my back my $10!!!” Just then, the guy at the other end of the bar passes out. The bartender looks down at him and says, “What happened to him?”

The guy replies, “Oh, he’ll be alright. I just bet him $1000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you’d laugh about it.”