A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down. A monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the pint.
The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies, “The piano player”. The man walks over to the piano player and says “Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer?”
The pianist replies, “No, but if you hum it I’ll play it.”
A pirate was talking to a man in a bar. The man noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this pirate had a pag leg, a hook in place of one of his hands, and a patch over one eye.
The man just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, “how did you loose your leg?” The pirate responded, “I lost my leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!”
The man was still curious so he asked, “What about your hand. Did you lose it at the same time?” The pirate answered, “No. I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys.”
Finally the man asked, “I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye?” The pirate answered, “I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in my eye.” The man asked, “How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?” The pirate replied, “It was the day after I got my hook fixed!”
There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk. I mean really, really, really drunk.
When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk.
So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.
This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt.
Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn’t move.
So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. “Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?”
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