One evening, Frank was drinking at a bar when the bartender came over to tell Frank that he had a telephone call. Frank had just bought another beer and he didn’t want anyone else to drink it. So, Fred wrote a little sign and left it by his beer that read: “I spit in my beer.”
When Fred returned to his bar stool, there was another note beside his beer: “I spit in your beer, too!”
Three men walk into a bar and the barman says, “If you can sit in my basement for a day I’ll give you free beer forever.”
So the first man says, “Easy. I can do that.”
But he walks out after five minutes and says, “It’s impossible, you got a swarm of flies in there.”
So the second man tries his luck, but can’t take more than 10 minutes.
Finally the third man goes in and comes out a day later. The others ask him how he did it. He said, “Easy. I took a dump in one corner and sat in the other corner!”
The morning after a night on the town in Minneapolis, Bob told his friend about the Golden Club that he had been drinking in. Everything in the club was lined with gold. The glasses had a gold rim, the rail on the bar was plated with gold, even the urinals were gold plated.
Bob was ready to believe his buddy until he mentioned the gold plated urinals so he phoned the Golden Club. “Is it true that the glasses in your club have a gold rim?” Bob asked.
“Yes, it’s true” replied the voice on the other end.
“And is the rail on the bar plated with gold?” asked Bob.
“Yes it is” was the reply from the other end. ”
“And, one more thing, is it true that the urinals are gold plated?” inquired Bob.
Bob could hear the person on the other end yell to the band “Hey Joe, I think I found the guy that took a leak in your saxophone last night!”
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheque.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
To which he replied. “That would be fine with me.”
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing “Tuff Enuff” by the Fabulous Thunderbirds.
“That IS amazing!” says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer. “If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?” The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog.
Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings “You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet” by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.
The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who’s been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to. “Are you nuts?” asks the bartender.
“You could’ve made a fortune off that frog.” “Can you keep a secret?” asks the man. “The hamster’s a ventriloquist.”
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.”
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.” The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman’s hand.
He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, “Paint my house.”
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