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Checkout Counter

Jun 6, 2021

0 1272

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, “Hello!” Her face was beaming. He gave her that “who are you look,” and couldn’t remember ever having seen her before.

Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. “Look,” she said “I’m really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children,” and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, “What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can’t keep track of who fathers her children!”

Then he got a little panicky. “I don’t remember her,” he thought but, MAYBE….during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!

He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, “Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?”

“No”, she said with a horrified look on her face.

“I’m your son’s second grade teacher.”

The Human Race

Jun 6, 2021

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A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?”

The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made..”

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”

The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”

First Thing First

Jun 6, 2021

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An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, “I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?”

The husband replies, “First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!”

Where is my Parakeet

Jun 6, 2021

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A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he’d lost his cigarettes.

In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. “No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,” he said to himself.

He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. “Here,” she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. “I found them in the hallway.”

“Now,” she said, “if only I could find my parakeet.”

Fishing License

Jun 6, 2021

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After a day fishing on Lake Michigan, a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two brown trout in a bucket. He is approached by a Conservation Officer who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, “I was not fishing and I did not catch these browns, they are my pets. Every day I come down to the water and dump these fish into the water and take them for a walk to the end of the pier and back. When I’m ready to go I whistle and they jump back into the bucket and we go home. The officer not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license.

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “If you don’t believe me then watch,” as he throws the trout back into the water.

The warden says, “Now whistle to your fish and show me that they will jump out of the water and into the bucket.”

The fisherman turns to the officer and says, “What fish?”

Not a Good Dog

Jun 6, 2021

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A blind man was out walking with his seeing eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man’s leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog’s head.

Having watched what happened, a passerby said, “Say, why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg!”

“I know,” said the blind man, “but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt!”