A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.
“What’s going on?” she yells out the window.
“Cow on the track!” replies the conductor.
Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again.
The woman sees the same conductor walk again.
She leans out the window and yells, “What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?”
This postman is working on a new beat. He comes to a garden gate marked BEWARE OF THE PARROT! He looks down the garden and, sure enough, there’s a parrot sitting on its perch. He has a little chuckle to himself at the sign and the parrot there on its perch. He opens the gate and walks into the garden.
He gets as far as the parrot’s perch, when suddenly, it calls out: “REX, ATTACK!”
A couple of years ago, I helped a friend buy a computer because he said I was the only “computer friend” he had. Recently he decided to buy a more powerful computer and again asked my advice.
“I’m sorry,” I told him. “I haven’t kept up with computers much since your last purchase.” “Great,” he said “Not only do I have to upgrade my computer, I have to upgrade my computer friend too.”
An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not take any precautions. A week after arriving back home he awakens one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you.
You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.”
The man looks a little relieved and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up doc.”
The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure other than to amputate your penis.”
The man screams in horror, “Oh no! I want a second opinion!”
The doctor replies, “Well it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease.”
The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, “Stupid American doctor! American doctor, always want to operate. Make more money, that way.”
“Then there’s no need to operate? Oh, thank God!” the man replies.
“Yes!” says the Chinese doctor, “You no worry! Wait two weeks, it fall off by itself!”
There was this guy who went into a bar. He went up to the bartender and said, “Bartender, are you a bettin’ man?”
The bartender replied, “Certainly! I’m ALWAYS a bettin’ man!” To which the man said, “I’ll bet you $50 that I can lick my right eye.”
The bartender thought about this a while and finally agreed to the bet. The man reached up and pulled out his glass right eye and licked it. The bartender groaned and begrudgingly gave the man his $50 telling him to leave his bar.
A week or so later, the same man appeared in the bar. He went up to the bartender and said, “Bartender, are you still a bettin’ man?” The bartender replied, “Certainly! I told you I’m ALWAYS a bettin’ man!” To which the man said, “I’ll bet you $100 that I can bite my left eye.”
Well, the bartender thought he had him on this one! There was no way that he had TWO glass eyes so the bartender agreed. The man reached up to his mouth, pulled out his dentures and clicked them on his left eye. The bartender moaned and paid the man his $100 telling him to get out of his bar.
A week or so later, the same man ventured into the bar again. He went up to the bartender and said, “Bartender, are you still a bettin’ man?” The bartender said, although with a little caution this time, “Certainly! I told you I’m ALWAYS a bettin’ man!” To which the man said, “Give me a shot of whiskey.” The bartender poured the man a shot and he drank it down. Slamming the glass on the bar he said, “I’ll bet you $500 that you can spin me around on this bar stool and I can piss in that glass right where it lays and not miss a drop.”
Well, the bartender’s eyes lit up. Here was one time that he was certain that he would win! “Agreed!” he cried. Coming out from around the bar, he grabbed onto the man’s bar stool and spun it as hard as he could.
Well, the man just let loose and piss flew EVERYPLACE! Not so much as one drop even came close to the glass and the bartender was soaked. When he was done, the bartender was laughing and laughing and holding out his hand. The man pulled out his wallet and gave him his $500. But the bartender was puzzled and as he was wiping off his face, he asked the man, “Why did you bet me $500 that you could piss in that shot glass on the bar when you had to have known there wasn’t any possible way to do it??”
The man just smiled and told him, “You may have won $500 off me but I bet that guy over in the corner $10,000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would just laugh!”
A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until reaches heavily into the ground with a hard knock over his shell.
After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again. The little turtle insisted again and again after each knock, while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, looking the turtle with pain..suddenly the female bird says to the male: “Hey dear, I think it’s time to tell our little turtle he is adopted.”
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