A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down. A monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the pint.
The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies, “The piano player”. The man walks over to the piano player and says “Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer?”
The pianist replies, “No, but if you hum it I’ll play it.”
A woman is in her doctor’s office, and suddenly shouts out “Doctor, kiss me!”
The Doctor looks at her and says “It’s against the code of ethics to kiss you.”
About 20 minutes later the woman again shouts out “Doctor, please, kiss me just once!”
Again he refuses, apologetically, and says “As a doctor I simply cannot kiss you.”
Finally, another 15 minutes pass, and the woman pleads with her doctor; “Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me just once!!”
“Look” he says, “I am sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn’t even be screwing you”.
A pirate was talking to a man in a bar. The man noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this pirate had a pag leg, a hook in place of one of his hands, and a patch over one eye.
The man just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, “how did you loose your leg?” The pirate responded, “I lost my leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!”
The man was still curious so he asked, “What about your hand. Did you lose it at the same time?” The pirate answered, “No. I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys.”
Finally the man asked, “I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye?” The pirate answered, “I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in my eye.” The man asked, “How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?” The pirate replied, “It was the day after I got my hook fixed!”
It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang. “Hello?” I said.
A girl’s voice came over the line. “Can I speak to Ben, please?”
I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was bored.
I replied, “I’m sorry, he’s not in right now. Can I take a message?”
“Do you know what time he’ll be back?” she responded. “I think he said he’d be home around 10:00.” Silence on the other end… a confused silence.
“Is this Steve?” My name isn’t Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number. So I replied, “Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?”
“Well… he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him,” she said in a slightly irritated voice.
I replied, “Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00.”
A shocked voice now: “Who’s Karen?!”
“The girl he went out with.”
“I know that! I mean… who is she?”
“I don’t know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?”
“Yes… please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home.”
She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring. “I sure will. Is this Jennifer?”
She exploded, “Who’s Jennifer?” Apparently she wasn’t.
“Well… he’s going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry… it was an honest mistake.”
“Ben’s the one that’s made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and the she’s very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home.”
I smiled and said, “Okay, I will… but Becky isn’t going to like this…”
*Click*
A guy walked into a bar and noticed a beautiful blonde sitting at the bar. He walked up to her and said “Can I buy you a drink?”
She replied “Yes you may, but you won’t get to first base with me.” “And why not?” replied the guy.
“Because I’m a lesbian.” she replied.
“Oh, so you’re from Lebanon.”
“You don’t know what a lesbian is, do you?”
“No, I can’t say I do.” replied the guy.
“Let me try to explain.” said the blonde.
“You see that girl at the end of the bar? Well, I would like to make passionate love to her, and kiss her all over all night long.”
She looked aside and saw the guy with his head down sobbing uncontrollably.
“What’s the matter with you?!”
The guy slowly looked up at her and said “My GOD…I think I’m a lesbian, too!”
A man was driving down a country road one day at 45 kilometre per hour when suddenly he noticed a 3-legged chicken running at the same speed beside his truck.
Though he thought this odd, the man decided to speed up so he wouldn’t cause an accident with the chicken.
The man sped up to 55 kilometre per hour, but low and behold, so did the 3-legged chicken.
The man then sped up to 65 kilometre per hour only to again be equalled in speed by the 3-legged chicken.
As the man watched in amazement, the chicken suddenly made a sharp left turn and took off down a side road toward a small farm.
The man quickly also made the left turn and followed the chicken to the small farm, parking out front. Looking around the man found the farmer around back in the midst of many 3-legged chickens.
After greeting the farmer, the man asked him why he was raising 3-legged chickens. “Well we figure,” said the farmer, “that with an average family of 3 people, only 2 can have a chicken leg with an average chicken.
But with a three legged chicken, each member of the family can enjoy a chicken leg of their own.” “That’s pretty wise,” said the man, who then asked “Well how do your 3-legged chickens taste?”
“I don’t know,” said the farmer. “We’ve never been able to catch one.”
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