A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a hugh buck.
“Where’s Harry?”, asked another hunter.
“He fainted a couple miles up the trail,” Harry’s partner answered. “You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?”
“It was a tough decision,” said the hunter. “But I figured no one is going to steal Harry.”
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?” The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?” The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. “Sorry,” the man replies, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. “No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
“Are you insane?” the bartender demanded. “That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!” “Don’t worry about it.” the man answered. “The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, “Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”
“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.
The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”
“Because”; the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store.
He does a double take, as he notices that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable. He walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The store owner replies, “I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale.” The collector says, “Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I’ll pay you twenty dollars for that cat.”
And the owner says “Sold,” and hands over the cat. The collector continues, “Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat’s used to it and it’ll save me having to get a dish.”
And the owner says, “Sorry buddy, but that’s my lucky saucer. So far this week I’ve sold sixty-eight cats.”
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.
The women need to buy another, but only have $500.
The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.”
She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word.
She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable.”
Sceptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?”
The redhead replies, “She’s a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull.'”
A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As the head came out it was dark and had an afro. The doctor said, “Madam, have you ever slept with a black man?”
“Well, yes, but only once.”
“Once is all it takes” he replied.
Then the torso came out and it was yellow.
“Madam, have you ever slept with an oriental man?”
“Well, yes” she said, “but only once.”
“Once is all it takes,” he said.
When the legs came out they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian.
“Well, yes” she said, “but only once.”
“Once is all it takes,” he said.
He finally pulled the baby all the way out and held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry. As it started to cry the woman exclaimed “Oh, thank God, at least it doesn’t bark!”
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