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Best Wife

Jun 4, 2021

0 184

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night after drinking. John was driving and got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because one of his tail lights was burned out. John said, “I’m very sorry officer, I didn’t realize it was out, I’ll get it fixed right away.” Just then Jessica said, “I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed.”

So after hearing this, the officer asked for John’s license and after looking at it said, “Sir, your license has expired.” And again, John apologised and mentioned that he didn’t realise that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning. Jessica said, “I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired.”

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, “JESSICA, WILL YOU SHUT UP!”

The officer then leaned over towards Jessica and asked, “Does your husband always talk to you like that?” Jessica replied, “Nope, not always. Only when he is drunk.”

Excited Gorilla

Jun 4, 2021

0 464

It’s a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo.

She’s wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless wth straps.

As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand.

He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the sheer dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. He tells her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and flirt with the ape.

She does and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall; she does, and the gorilla is so excited, he’s just about to tear the bars down.

The husband then suggests that the wife lift her dress up above the thighs… this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, “Now, tell him you have a headache.”

What Trip?

Jun 4, 2021

0 58

USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips.

Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Letters are still pouring in asking, “What trip?”

Very Drunk

Jun 4, 2021

0 79

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking.

He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.

Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly.

But, he was so drunk that he didn’t know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible.

Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

“Well, you really tied one on last night,” she said. “Where’d you go?”

“I worked late,” he said, “and I stopped off for a couple of beers.”

“A couple of beers? That’s a laugh,” she replied, “You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?”

“What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?”

“Well,” she replied, “my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.”

Computer Women

Apr 12, 2021

0 154

A .. HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything you say and do, FOREVER.!!!

B… WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can’t do anything right, but you can’t live without her.

C… EXCEL Woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only four of your basic needs.

D… SCREENSAVER Woman: She is good for nothing functional, but at least she is exciting, colourful, and lots of fun!

E… INTERNET Woman: Difficult to access and hard to keep running.!!!

F… SERVER Woman: Claims to be available to you, but Always busy when you need her.

G… MULTIMEDIA Woman: She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful.

H… CD-ROM Woman: She always has you on the move, going faster and faster.!!!

I… E-MAIL Woman: Out of Every ten things she says, eight are plain nonsense.

J… VIRUS Woman: Also known as “WIFE”; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost every thing. If you don’t try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing.

Unlucky Nun

Mar 11, 2021

0 102

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk. I mean really, really, really drunk.

When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk.

So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.

This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt.

Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn’t move.

So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. “Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?”