A blind woman was out walking with her seeing eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the woman’s leg.
Bending down, the blind woman stretched out her hand and patted the dog’s head.
Having watched what happened, a passer by said, “Say, why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg!”
“I know,” said the blind woman, “but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt.”
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down. A monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the pint.
The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies, “The piano player”. The man walks over to the piano player and says “Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer?”
The pianist replies, “No, but if you hum it I’ll play it.”
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree.
He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.
“Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?” the service guy asks. “Boy,” is the man’s response.
“Oh yeah, I can do it. I’ll be right there,” says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs.
He then gives the man some instructions: “Now, I’m going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla’s testicles off.
The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him.” The man asks, “What do I do with the shotgun?”
The service guy replies, “If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua.”
A woman is in her doctor’s office, and suddenly shouts out “Doctor, kiss me!”
The Doctor looks at her and says “It’s against the code of ethics to kiss you.”
About 20 minutes later the woman again shouts out “Doctor, please, kiss me just once!”
Again he refuses, apologetically, and says “As a doctor I simply cannot kiss you.”
Finally, another 15 minutes pass, and the woman pleads with her doctor; “Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me just once!!”
“Look” he says, “I am sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn’t even be screwing you”.
It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang. “Hello?” I said.
A girl’s voice came over the line. “Can I speak to Ben, please?”
I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was bored.
I replied, “I’m sorry, he’s not in right now. Can I take a message?”
“Do you know what time he’ll be back?” she responded. “I think he said he’d be home around 10:00.” Silence on the other end… a confused silence.
“Is this Steve?” My name isn’t Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number. So I replied, “Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?”
“Well… he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him,” she said in a slightly irritated voice.
I replied, “Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00.”
A shocked voice now: “Who’s Karen?!”
“The girl he went out with.”
“I know that! I mean… who is she?”
“I don’t know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?”
“Yes… please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home.”
She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring. “I sure will. Is this Jennifer?”
She exploded, “Who’s Jennifer?” Apparently she wasn’t.
“Well… he’s going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry… it was an honest mistake.”
“Ben’s the one that’s made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and the she’s very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home.”
I smiled and said, “Okay, I will… but Becky isn’t going to like this…”
*Click*
A pirate was talking to a man in a bar. The man noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this pirate had a pag leg, a hook in place of one of his hands, and a patch over one eye.
The man just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, “how did you loose your leg?” The pirate responded, “I lost my leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!”
The man was still curious so he asked, “What about your hand. Did you lose it at the same time?” The pirate answered, “No. I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys.”
Finally the man asked, “I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye?” The pirate answered, “I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in my eye.” The man asked, “How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?” The pirate replied, “It was the day after I got my hook fixed!”
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