There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse.
Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, “Mmmm, I smell sausage!”
Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, “Mmmm, I smell pancakes!”
Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn’t because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, “The only thing I smell is molasses.”
A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. So, I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog’s head when I had finished.
After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup’s head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, “I didn’t know they had to be baptized, too.”
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said “Who owns the big white horse outside?” The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, “I do… Why?”
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, “I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is about dead outside!” The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.
The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, “Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.”
Tonto said, “Sure, Kemosabe” and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, “Who owns that big white horse outside?” The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, “I do, what’s wrong with him this time?”
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, “Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin’.”
Bitter men say the cutest things.
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only
seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was nearly impossible.
A man complaining to a friend: “I had it all – money, a beautiful
house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman … then … pow! …
it was all gone!” “What happened?” asked the friend. “Awww, my wife
found out.”
Wife: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway
light on.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
bald and still think they are beautiful.
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him, “If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?”
Johnny says, “None.” The teacher asks, “Why?” Johnny says, “Because the shot scared them all off.” The teacher says, “No, two, but I like how you’re thinking.”
Johnny then asks the teacher, “If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?”
The teacher says, “The one sucking her ice cream.”
Johnny says, “No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking!”
I named my dog “5K” so I can tell people I walk 5K every day.
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