An eminent old man was being interviewed, and was asked if it was correct that he had just celebrated his ninety-ninth birthday.
‘That’s right,’ said the old man. ‘Ninety-nine years old, and I haven’t an enemy in the world. They’re all dead.
‘Well, sir,’ said the interviewer, ‘I hope very much to have the honor of interviewing you on your hundredth birthday.’
The old man looked at the young man closely, and said, ‘I can’t see why you shouldn’t. You look fit and healthy to me!’
Before – You take my breath away
After – I feel like I’m suffocating
Before – Twice a night
After – Twice a month
Before – She says she loves the way I take control of a situation
After – She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac
Before – Lucy and Ricky
After – Fred and Ethyl
Before – Saturday Night Fever
After – Monday Night Football
Before – Don’t stop
After – Don’t start
Before – Is that all your having?
After – Maybe you should have just a salad, honey
Before – Its like I’m living In a dream
After – Its like he lives In a dorm
Before – $60/doz.
After – $1.50/stem
Before – Turbo charged
After – Jump start
Before – We agree on everything
After – Doesn’t she have a mind of her own?
Before – Victoria Secret
After – Fruit of the Loom
Before – Charming and Noble
After – Chernobyl
Before – Feathers and handcuffs
After – Ball and chain
Before – Idol
After – Idle
Before – I love a woman with curves
After – I never said you were fat
Before – He’s completely lost without me
After – Why won’t he ever ask for directions?
Before – Time stood still
After – This relationship Is going nowhere
Before – Croissant and cappuccino
After – Bagel and instant
Before – You look so seductive In black
After – Your clothes are so depressing
Before – Oysters
After – Fishsticks
Before – I can hardly believe we found each other
After – I can’t believe I ended up with someone like you
Before – Passion
After – Ration
Before – Once upon a time
After – The end
An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, “Are you a real cowboy?”
“Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences… I guess I am,” replied the cowboy.
After a short while he asked her what she was. “I’ve never been on a ranch so I’m not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women,” the young woman said.
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”
“I always thought I was, but I just found out that I’m a lesbian.”
Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly.
“That’s my pager,” he says. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”
A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear.
When he finishes he explains, “That’s my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.”
The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear.
The others raise their eyebrows.
“I’m getting a Fax,” he explains
This postman is working on a new beat. He comes to a garden gate marked BEWARE OF THE PARROT! He looks down the garden and, sure enough, there’s a parrot sitting on its perch. He has a little chuckle to himself at the sign and the parrot there on its perch. He opens the gate and walks into the garden.
He gets as far as the parrot’s perch, when suddenly, it calls out: “REX, ATTACK!”
A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.
“What’s going on?” she yells out the window.
“Cow on the track!” replies the conductor.
Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again.
The woman sees the same conductor walk again.
She leans out the window and yells, “What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?”
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