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Why… YOU

Jun 5, 2021

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There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn’t move for half an hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down.

The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said: “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man crying.”

“No, it’s not that. Today is the worst of day my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me.”

“When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab.”

“I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison…”

Ready for Bed

Jun 5, 2021

0 221

Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, I’m tired, and it’s getting late. I think I’ll go to bed.”

She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day’s lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.

She then put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the newspapers strewn on the floor, picked up the game pieces left on the table and put the telephone book back into the drawer. She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry. She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse. Mom then creamed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails.

Hubby called, “I thought you were going to bed.”
“I’m on my way,” she said.

She put some water into the dog’s dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework. In her own room, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow. About that time, the hubby turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular “I’m going to bed,” and he did.

Stucked Peanut

Jun 5, 2021

0 229

One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He’d toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell into his ear. He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing it deeper into his ear. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying to remove the peanut, they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out, and everyone was pleased.

The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took him into the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father, exclaiming, “That was wonderful! Isn’t he intelligent? What do you think he’ll be when he grows older?!” The father replies, “From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!”

Tired Mouse

Jun 5, 2021

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A mouse and a lion walk were in a bar, drinking a few beers when a giraffe walked in.

“Get a load of her” said the mouse, “what a babe!”

“Well, why not try your luck?” replied the lion.

So the mouse went over to the giraffe and started talking to her. Within five minutes they’re out the door and into the night.

The next day, the lion was drinking in the bar, when the mouse staggered in.

The mouse is completely worn out, and can hardly hold himself up.

The lion helped his pal up on to a stool, poured a drink down his throat and said, “What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe, what happened after that? Was she all right?”

The mouse replied, “Yeah, she was really something, we went out to dinner, had a couple of glasses of wine, and she invited me back to her place to spend the night. And oh, man! I’ve never had a night like it!”

“But how come you look like you’re so exhausted?” asked the lion.

“Well” said the mouse, “between the kissing and the screwing, I must have run a thousand miles!”

Tired Dog

Jun 5, 2021

0 1016

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: “Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: “He lives in a home with four children — he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”

Penguins in the Back Seat

Jun 5, 2021

0 540

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing this the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, “What’s up with the penguins in the back
seat?”

The man in the car says, “I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven’t a clue.”

The clerk ponders a bit then says, “You should take them to the zoo.”

“Yeah, that’s a good idea,” says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

“Hey, they’re still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!”

“Oh, I did,” says the driver, “and we had a swell time. Today I’m taking them to the beach.”