“Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market,” said the man.
“Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,” remarked his friend.
“I’m not bitter. Now that I’m so improved, she just isn’t good enough for me.”
Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter….
First Woman : “My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me.
Second Woman : “I know…”
First Woman : “How?”
Second Woman : “My dog told me.”
A young lady who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift.
Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice. When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: “There are no fish in there”. So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there. So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there.
So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her. “How do you know there are no fish there?” asks the young girl.
So the man cooly says “Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you’re going to pay for those holes.”
A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked, “Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?”
The mother replied, “Well son, when we trek across the desert, our toes will help us stay on top of the soft sand.”
Two minutes later the young camel asked, “Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?”
They are there to keep the sand out of our eyes on the trips through the desert,” the mother said.
“Mom, why have we got these great big humps on our back?”
“They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods of time.”
“So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store water.”
“Yes dear,” said the mother.
“So why are we in the San Diego Zoo?”
Four friends, who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained started talking about their kids.
The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he’s the president of the company. He Became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes For his birthday.”
The second guy said, “Darn, that’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He’s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.”
The third man said: “Well, that’s terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.”
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: “What are all the congratulations for?”
One of the three said: “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..
What about your son?”
The fourth man replied: “My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.”
The three friends said: “What a shame…what a disappointment.”
The fourth man replied: “No, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him. And he hasn’t done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet, and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.”
When a man opens the door of his his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
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