A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” said the vet, “lets have a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.
“Hmm,” says the vet, “I’m going to have to put him down” “Just because he’s cross-eyed?” says the man.
“No, because he’s heavy,” says the vet.
The 75-year-old groom, with the young wife, caused a lot of attention as he checked into the resort hotel. The following morning, the old boy came strutting into the dining room, lookin’ great with a big smile on his face. He proceeded to order an enormous breakfast. He laughed and joked and was in obvious good spirits, whereas his young wife, who came into the room a half hour later, looked worn out. She ordered coffee in a voice so weak the waiter had to ask her to repeat the order.
The old man finished his breakfast, excused himself and left for their room.
This gave the waitress a chance to ask the bride, “Honey, I can’t figure it out. The old geezer, your husband, looks like a million and you look like two cents. What’s wrong?”
“That guy double-crossed me,” the bride said. “He told me he’d saved up for fifty years! And all the time I thought he was talking about money.
A bear is sitting in the middle of a forest taking the biggest shit of his life and feeling dam good about it.
He looks down and sees a rabbit dumping a load right next to him. The bear looks at the rabbit and says, “Hey, uhh Mr. Rabbit, uhh do you have a problem withthe shit sticking to your fur?” The rabbit shakes his head no and says, “Nope, never bothers me.”
The bear says, “Good!” takes the rabbit and wipes his ass with him and then tosses him aside. bear is sitting in the middle of a forest taking the biggest shit of his life and feeling dam good about it.
He looks down and sees a rabbit dumping a load right next to him. The bear looks at the rabbit and says, “Hey, uhh Mr. Rabbit, uhh do you have a problem withthe shit sticking to your fur?” The rabbit shakes his head no and says, “Nope, never bothers me.”
The bear says, “Good!” takes the rabbit and wipes his ass with him and then tosses him aside.
A little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”
Mom replies, “No, because she is in heat.”
“What’s that mean?” asked the child.
“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”
The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”
Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.”
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said “OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.”
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, “Where ‘s Belle?”
The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”
One day Mongo is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate.
“Whatcha doin?” he asked. Mongo replies, “My goldfish died and I’m burying him.”
“That’s an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain’t it?” asked the neighbor.
Mongo shot back, “That’s because he’s inside your f*ckin’ cat!’
A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, “Mom am I a real polar bear?” “Of course you are.” His mother replied. The young polar bear asked his father. “Dad, am I a real polar bear?” “Yes, you are a real polar bear.”
A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, “Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?” “Yes” said his parents. Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, “Are all my relatives real polar bears?” “Yes, they are all real polar bears,” said his parents.
“Why do you ask?” replied his mother. “Because,” said the young polar bear,”I’m freezing!”
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