I named my dog “5K” so I can tell people I walk 5K every day.
5K the Dog
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Headache from the Base of Your Spine
The Doctor said: “The good news is I can cure your headaches… The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need, a new suit.”
The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, “Let’s see, you’re a size 44 long.”
Joe laughed and said, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years!”
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, “How about a new shirt?”
Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”
“Let’s see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve.”
Joe was surprised. “How did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years.” The shirt fit perfectly.
As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, “You could use new shoes.”
Since Joe was on a roll, he said, “Sure.”
The man eyed Joe’s feet and said, “9-1/2E.”
Joe was astonished. “That’s right. How did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years.”
Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.
As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, “How about new underwear?”
Joe thought for a second and said, “Why not.”
The man stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see, size 36.”
Joe laughed. “Finally I’ve got you! I’ve worn size 32 since I was 18 years old.”
The tailor shook his head. “You can’t wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”
Blind Parachuting
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were alldone for him:
“I am placed in the door and told when to jump”
“My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go”
“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked.
“I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground” he answered.
“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked.
He quickly answered “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack”.
Cats and Dogs
What is a Cat?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They’re totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They’re moody.
9. They leave hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They’re tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a Dog?
1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don’t hear you when you’re in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They are great at begging.
8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
9. They leave their toys everywhere.
10. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
Conclusion: They’re tiny men in little fur coats.
Before and After Marriage
Before Marriage:
Boy: Ah at last. I can hardly wait.
Girl: Do you want me to leave?
Boy: No don’t even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of Course. Always have and always will.
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: Never. Why are you even asking?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every chance I get.
Girl: Will you scold me?
Boy: Hell no. Are you crazy?
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Darling!
After Marriage: (Read from bottom to top)
The Perfect Husband
There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising.
Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
“Hello?”
“Honey, It’s me. Are you at the club?”
“Yes.”
“Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat… It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?”
“What’s the price?”
“Only $1,500.00”
“Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much…”
“Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2005 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price … and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year…”
“What price did he quote you?”
“Only $60,000…”
“OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
“Great! Before we hang up, something else…”
“What?”
“It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and…I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property…”
“How much are they asking?”
“Only $450,000… a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover…”
“Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?”
“OK, sweetie… Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!”
“Bye… I do too…”
The man hangs up, closes the phone’s flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: “Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?”
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