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Dogs vs. Men

Jun 5, 2021

1 297

1. How dogs and men are the same

Both take up too much space on the bed
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning
Both are threatened by their own kind
Both mark their territory
Both are bad at asking you questions
Neither tells you what is bothering them
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous
Both have an inordinate fascination with women’s crotches
Neither does any dishes
Both fart shamelessly
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut
Both like dominance games
Both are suspicious of the postman
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone
Neither understands what you see in cats

2. How dogs are better than men

Dogs do not have a problem expressing affection in public
Dogs miss you when you are gone
Dogs feel guilt when they have done something wrong
Dogs do not criticise your friends
Dogs admit when they are jealous
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out
Dogs do not play games with you except fetch (and they NEVER laugh at
the way you throw)
Dogs do not feel threatened by your intelligence
You can train a dog
Dogs are easy to buy for
You are never suspicious of your dogs dreams
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. OK, the WORST
disease is rabies, but there is a vaccine for it, and you get to kill
the one that gives it to you
Dogs understand what NO means
Dogs understand when some of their friends can not come inside
Middle-aged dogs do not feel the need to abandon you for a younger
owner
Dogs admit it when they are lost
Dogs are colour blind
Dogs are not threatened if you earn more than they do
Dogs mean it when they kiss you

I’ll have the Same

Jun 5, 2021

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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.

The man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”

“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $6.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and the ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

“The usual?” asks the waitress. “No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,” says the man, “same for me,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, “That will be $12.62.”Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer.

“Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!”says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The waitress asks, “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

Turtle Jumps Off the Tree

Jun 5, 2021

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A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs.

Suddenly the turtle jumps off the tree onto the ground with a hard knock over his shell.

After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground again.

The little turtle insisted again and again after each knock, while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, looking the turtle with pain.

Suddenly the female bird says to the male: “Hey dear, I think it’s time to tell our little turtle he is adopted.”

Found on a Beach

Jun 5, 2021

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There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out!

A few minutes later, two old ladies weere strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking up from the sand, she began to move it around with her cane. Remarking to her friend she said

“There’s no justice in the world”. Her friend asked what she meant?

She replied: “When I was 20. I was curious about it,

when I was 30, I enjoyed it!

when I was 40, I asked for it.

when I was 50, I paid for it,

when I was 60, I prayed for it,

when I was 70, I forgot about it,

now I’m 80 and the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I’m to old to squat! “

Stop Screwing

Jun 5, 2021

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A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore. The new guy and the wife are VERY attracted to each other right away, but they realize that certain protocols will have to be observed.

The husband, oblivious to the pheremones floating around, is very glad to see the second man there. “This is wonderful! Now we’ll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts.” The new man is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper. The new man yells down: “Hey, no screwing!”

They look at each other and yell back: “We’re not screwing!” A few minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the new man yells down: “Heeey, no screwing!” Again they yell back, “We’re not screwing!” Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks. Once again the new man yells down from high above: “Hey, I said no screwing!!” They yell back, “And we said we’re not screwing!!”

Finally the shift is over and the new man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. By the time he gets half-way up, his wife and the new man are already screwing their brains out. Once at the top, the husband turns around and looks down and says to himself: “Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they’re screwing.”

Things You Did Not Need

Jun 5, 2021

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A wife arriving home after a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: “Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.”

“Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.

Her shoes were worn-out so I gave her a pair of your shoes that you didn’t wear because they were out of style.

She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didn’t suit you.

Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yoursthat you don’t fit into anymore.”

“Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, ‘Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?’ So, here we are!”