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Caught by Cuckoo Clock

Jun 5, 2021

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Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with “the boys.” I told the misses that I would be home by midnight … promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy, at around 3 A.M. drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up, and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly I realised she’d probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

Next morning the wife asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o’clock. She didn’t seem disturbed at all. Whew!

Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said “Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said ‘oh fuck,’ cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it’s throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more and then farted.

Poisonous or Not

Jun 5, 2021

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First snake: I hope I’m not poisonous.

Second snake: Why?

First snake: Because I bit my lip!

A Shave and a Shine

Jun 5, 2021

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A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber’s chair and said, “I’ll have a shave and a shoe shine.” The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, “Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room.”

She replied, “I’m married and my husband wouldn’t like that.

The cowboy said, “Tell him your working overtime and I’ll pay you the difference.”

She said, “You tell him. He is the one shaving you.”

Dating vs Marriage

Jun 5, 2021

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When you are dating….. Farting is never an issue
When you are married ….You make sure there’s nothing flammable near your husband…… at all time

When you are dating….. He takes you out to have a good time
When you are married ….He brings home a 6 pack, and ask “What are you going to drink?”

When you are dating….. He holds your hand in public
When you are married ….He flicks your ear in public

When you are dating….. A Single bed for 2 isn’t THAT bad
When you are married ….A King size bed feels like an army cot

When you are dating….. You are turned on at the sight of him naked
When you are married ….You think to yourself….”Was he ALWAYS this hairy????”

When you are dating….. You enjoyed foreplay
When you are married ….You tell him “If we have sex, will you leave me alone???”

When you are dating….. He hugs you, when he walks by you …for no reason
When you are married ….He grabs your boob any chance he gets

When you are dating….. You picture the two of you together, growing old together
When you are married ….You wonder who will die first

When you are dating….. Just looking at him makes you feel all “mushy”
When you are married ….When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating….. He knows what the “hamper” is
When you are married ….The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area

When you are dating….. He understands if you “aren’t in the mood”
When you are married ….He says “It’s your job.”

When you are dating….. He understands that you have “male” friends
When you are married ….He thinks they are all out to steal you away

When you are dating….. He likes to “discuss” things
When you are married ….He develops a “blank” stare

When you are dating….. He calls you by name
When you are married ….He calls you “Hey” and refers to you when speaking to others as “She.

Dad, Where Did I Come From?

Jun 5, 2021

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CHILD : Dad, where did I come from?

DAD : Okay, we had to have this conversation some day!…… So why not now

DAD : Okay,

Now Listen…. Dad and mom met in a chat room on the net. I set up a meeting with your mom and we landed in the bathroom at the Cyber Cafe. Then, mom did some downloads from dads memory stick and when dad was ready to upload, We discovered that there was no firewall. Seeing that it was a bit too late to cancel, I just carried on doing the upload. Nine months later, the damn virus appeared!.

CHILD : Huh?

Dead Doberman

Jun 5, 2021

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A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, “Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?

“A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, “It’s my dog. Why?”

“Well,” squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, “I believe my dog just killed it, sir.”

“What?” roared the big man in disbelief. “What in the hell kind of dog do you have?”

“Sir,” answered the little man, “It’s a four week old puppy.”

“Bull!” roared the biker, “How could your puppy kill my Doberman?” “It appears that he choked on it, sir.”