Thursday, April 3, 2025
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Do Everything Jokes Times

A lazy man went to a pet shop thinking of getting a pet that can do everything.

The shop owner suggests a faithful dog. The man replies, “Come on, a dog?”

The owner says, “How about a cat?” The man replies, “No way! A cat certainly can’t do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!”

The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, “I’ve got it! A centipede!”

The man says, “A centipede? I can’t imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay… I’ll try a centipede.” He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, “Clean the kitchen.”

Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and… it’s immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away the counter-tops cleaned the appliances sparkling the floor waxed. He’s absolutely amazed.

He says to the centipede, “Go clean the living room.”

Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed the furniture cleaned and dusted the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered.

The man thinks to himself, “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!”

Next he says to the centipede, “Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper.”

The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later… no centipede.

20 minutes later… no centipede. 30 minutes later… no centipede.

By this point the man is wondering what’s going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later… still no centipede!

He can’t imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede?

So he goes to the front door, opens it… and there’s the centipede sitting right outside.

The man says, “Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What’s the matter?!”

The centipede says, “I’m goin’! I’m goin’! I’m just puttin’ on my shoes!”

Testosterone Jokes Times

A woman went to her doctor for a followup visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

“Doctor, the hormones you’ve been giving me have really helped, but I’m afraid that you’re giving me too much. I’ve started growing hair in places that I’ve never grown hair before.”

The doctor reassured her. “A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?”

“On my balls.”

Last Day Jokes Times

One day, this guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another.

After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried. “What’s the matter?” the bartender asks.

“My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy “and now she isn’t talking to me for a whole 31 days.”

The bartender thought about this for a while. “But, isn’t it a good thing that she isn’t talking to you?” asked the bartender. ” Yeah, except today is the last night.

Best Wife Jokes Times

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night after drinking. John was driving and got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because one of his tail lights was burned out. John said, “I’m very sorry officer, I didn’t realize it was out, I’ll get it fixed right away.” Just then Jessica said, “I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed.”

So after hearing this, the officer asked for John’s license and after looking at it said, “Sir, your license has expired.” And again, John apologised and mentioned that he didn’t realise that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning. Jessica said, “I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired.”

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, “JESSICA, WILL YOU SHUT UP!”

The officer then leaned over towards Jessica and asked, “Does your husband always talk to you like that?” Jessica replied, “Nope, not always. Only when he is drunk.”

Excited Gorilla Jokes Times

It’s a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo.

She’s wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless wth straps.

As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand.

He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the sheer dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. He tells her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and flirt with the ape.

She does and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall; she does, and the gorilla is so excited, he’s just about to tear the bars down.

The husband then suggests that the wife lift her dress up above the thighs… this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, “Now, tell him you have a headache.”

What Trip Jokes Times

USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips.

Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Letters are still pouring in asking, “What trip?”

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