While waiting for a bus, the blind man’s dog decided to go to the bathroom all over the blind man’s legs.
A passer-by commented to the blind man, “What! That dog just went to the bathroom all over your legs, and you are petting him?! Are you crazy?
“To which the blind man replied, “Madam, I am not petting him, I am feeling for his bottom, so I can kick him.”
There once was a lady who was tired of living with men who were either physically abusive, ran away from her, or were horrible in bed. So she put an ad in the paper, that was asking for a man who:
A) would treat her nicely
B) wouldn’t run away from her
C) would be good in bed
Three weeks passed, and there was no reply from any man. So she just figured that there wasn’t a man alive who could live up to these expectations, so she just gave up. Then one day she heard the doorbell ring.
She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn’t have any arms or legs.
The man said, “I’m here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can’t beat you, and I have no legs so I can’t run away from you.”
The woman replied, ‘Yes, but are you good in bed?’
And the man said with a smirk on his face, “How do you think I rang the doorbell?”
Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her. He buys her a drink and then another and then another. After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a “good time.”
“Look,” says the woman, “what do you think I am? I don’t turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!”
“OK,” replies Joe, “so how many does it take?”
While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the “good old days.”
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, “Roy, aren’t you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?” “Yup, we sure are,” Roy replied. “Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?” another man asked. The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, “For our 25th anniversary, I took the misses to Tucson. For our 50th, I’m thinking about going down there again to pick her up.”
At The Pearly Gates to Heaven. St Peter is receptionist at the entrance.
A cat shows up. St Peter says “I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn’t cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted.”
Cat: “Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it.”
St Peter: “That’s easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in.”
Next a group of mice appeared.
St Peter: “Ah, I remember you. You were such good mice on earth. You didn’t steal food from anyone’s house and never hurt other animals. Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you always wanted.”
The Chief Mouse replied, “Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate, and it was beautiful, and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates,
please?” St Peter: “Granted. You shall have your wish.”
Next day, St Peter is making the rounds inside the Gates, and sees the cat. “Well, Cat…Did you enjoy the satin pillow?”
Cat: “Oh, indeed I did. And say…that “Meals on Wheels” thing was a nice touch, too!”
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
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