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Dating vs Marriage

Jun 5, 2021

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When you are dating….. Farting is never an issue
When you are married ….You make sure there’s nothing flammable near your husband…… at all time

When you are dating….. He takes you out to have a good time
When you are married ….He brings home a 6 pack, and ask “What are you going to drink?”

When you are dating….. He holds your hand in public
When you are married ….He flicks your ear in public

When you are dating….. A Single bed for 2 isn’t THAT bad
When you are married ….A King size bed feels like an army cot

When you are dating….. You are turned on at the sight of him naked
When you are married ….You think to yourself….”Was he ALWAYS this hairy????”

When you are dating….. You enjoyed foreplay
When you are married ….You tell him “If we have sex, will you leave me alone???”

When you are dating….. He hugs you, when he walks by you …for no reason
When you are married ….He grabs your boob any chance he gets

When you are dating….. You picture the two of you together, growing old together
When you are married ….You wonder who will die first

When you are dating….. Just looking at him makes you feel all “mushy”
When you are married ….When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating….. He knows what the “hamper” is
When you are married ….The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area

When you are dating….. He understands if you “aren’t in the mood”
When you are married ….He says “It’s your job.”

When you are dating….. He understands that you have “male” friends
When you are married ….He thinks they are all out to steal you away

When you are dating….. He likes to “discuss” things
When you are married ….He develops a “blank” stare

When you are dating….. He calls you by name
When you are married ….He calls you “Hey” and refers to you when speaking to others as “She.

Dad, Where Did I Come From?

Jun 5, 2021

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CHILD : Dad, where did I come from?

DAD : Okay, we had to have this conversation some day!…… So why not now

DAD : Okay,

Now Listen…. Dad and mom met in a chat room on the net. I set up a meeting with your mom and we landed in the bathroom at the Cyber Cafe. Then, mom did some downloads from dads memory stick and when dad was ready to upload, We discovered that there was no firewall. Seeing that it was a bit too late to cancel, I just carried on doing the upload. Nine months later, the damn virus appeared!.

CHILD : Huh?

Dead Doberman

Jun 5, 2021

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A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, “Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?

“A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, “It’s my dog. Why?”

“Well,” squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, “I believe my dog just killed it, sir.”

“What?” roared the big man in disbelief. “What in the hell kind of dog do you have?”

“Sir,” answered the little man, “It’s a four week old puppy.”

“Bull!” roared the biker, “How could your puppy kill my Doberman?” “It appears that he choked on it, sir.”

Enchanted Rattlesnake

Jun 5, 2021

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It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy’s horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

“Hold on there, partner,” said the snake, “don’t shoot– I’m an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don’t shoot me, I’ll give you any three wishes you want.” The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake’s striking range. He said, “OK, first, I’d like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I’d like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I’d like sexual equipment like this here horse I’m riding.” The rattlesnake said, “All right, when you get back to the bunk house you’ll have all three wishes.”

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunkhouse. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted,

“My God, I was riding the mare!”

Beautiful Parrot New Home

Jun 5, 2021

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A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn’t be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.

She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was $50. Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn’t more expensive, she agreed to buy it.

The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff.

“The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway. The pet shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home.

She hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.

“The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought that’s not so bad.

A couple hours later, the woman’s two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, “New house, new madam, new whores.

“The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than began to laugh about the situation.

A couple of hours later, the woman’s husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “New house, new madam, new whores, Hi George!”