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First Date

Jun 5, 2021

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It’s the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He’s a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in.

“Carrie’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?,” he says. “That’s cool” says Bobby.

Carrie’s father asks Bobby what they’re planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie’s father responds “Why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby so he asks Carrie’s Dad to repeat it.

“Yeah,” says Carries father, “Carrie really likes to screw; she’ll screw all night if we let her!”

Well, this just made Bobby’s eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:

“DAMMIT DADDY! IT’S CALLED THE TWIST!!!”

Amazing Dog

Jun 5, 2021

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A man running a little behind schedule arrives at a picture theater, goes in to watch the movie that has already started.

As his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie.

It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits.

After the movie, the man approaches the dogs owner, “Jeez mate, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I’m amazed!”

“Yes, I’m amazed also,” came the reply. “He hated the book.”

I Wanna Be Weighed

Jun 5, 2021

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The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.

“What would you like to do next?” he asked.

“I wanna be weighed,” she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.

“One-twelve,” said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.

“I wanna be weighed,” she said.

I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.

The girl’s mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, “What’s wrong, dear, didn’t you have a nice time tonight?”

“Wousy,” said the girl.

Extra Water

Jun 5, 2021

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An old bloke in the Northern Territory was showing some tourists how to top up a camel with water.

“That way,” he said, “You get an extra day out of them between drinks.

“As the camel bent down to drink, the bloke picked up two bricks and bashed them over the camel’s balls. The camel sucked in its breath and took on three days’ extra water.

“Doesn’t that hurt?” asked a tourist. “Nah,” replied the bloke. “Only if you get your fingers caught!”

Lonely Frog

Jun 5, 2021

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A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”

The frog is thrilled, “This is great!

“Will I meet her at a party?” he croaks.

“No,” says the psychic, “in biology class.”

Deathbed Request

Jun 5, 2021

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A man lying on his deathbed requested that his wife gather up all his money and place it in the attic. He would pick it up on his way out of this life.

Being the faithful, loving wife she had been for over 50 years, she did as she was told. Soon, the man died.

Weeks later, she remembered his request and went to the attic to see if he had followed through.

There, in the same place where she had left it, was the money. “I knew it,” she exclaimed, “I should have put it in the basement.”