A blind man was out walking with his seeing eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man’s leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog’s head.
Having watched what happened, a passerby said, “Say, why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg!”
“I know,” said the blind man, “but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt!”
Two person were walking down the road and one of them said “Look at that dog with one eye!”. The next one cover one of the eyes and goes, “Where? Where?”
Larry’s barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money.”
The agent replied, “Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we’ll provide you with a new barn of similar worth.”
There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, “If that’s how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband.”
A mother and her daughter were at a gynaecologist’s office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter. “She has been having some strange symptoms and I’m worried about her,” the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, “Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant.”
The mother gasped, “That’s nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men.” She turned to the girl. “You don’t, do you, dear?”
“No, mumsy,” said the girl. “Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!”
The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out.
He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, “Doctor, is there something wrong out there?”
“No, Madam,” said the doctor. “It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up.”
Two guys were out walking their dogs, when one dog wanders off to pee against the wall. Like dogs do, it raised it’s leg and started to do his thing.
The second dog then goes up and starts to go exactly where the other dog did. But instead of raising his leg, he stood up on his hind legs, put both paws on the wall and relieved himself.
One guy says to the other, “Wow, how did you teach him that?”
The second man replies, “I didn’t teach him. He’s done it ever since the wall fell on him!”
Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch.
One asks the other, “Do you recall your worst day last year?”
The other responds, “Yes, the day I had diarrhea!”
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