A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Successful Man & Woman
What I Want in a Man
What I Want In A Man, Original List… (at age 22)
- Handsome
- Charming
- Financially Successful
- A Caring Listener
- Witty
- In Good Shape
- Dresses with Style
- Appreciates the Finer Things
- Full of Thoughtful Surprises
- An Imaginative, Romantic Lover
What I Want In A Man, Revised List… (at age 42)
- Not too ugly
- Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
- Works steady
- Doesn’t nod off while I’m emoting
- Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
- Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
- Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
- Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
- Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
- Shaves on weekends
Arab Love Donkey
One day an Israeli soldier at the checkpoint on the military highway addressed the Arab riding along on his donkey, his wife trudging along before him. “I’ve been watching you go by every morning for months,” the guard commented. “And you always ride and your wife is always on foot. Why is that?”
“Wife no have donkey,” replied the Arab with a shrug. “I see. But why does she walk in front of you? Is that a custom of your people?”
The Arab shook his head. “Land mines,” he explained.
The Different Between a Man and a Woman at a Drive-thru ATM
Man going to ATM
- Pull up to ATM
- Insert card
- Enter PIN number
- Take cash, card, and receipt
- Walk away
Woman going to ATM
- Pull up to ATM
- Back up and pull forward to get closer
- Shut off engine
- Put keys in purse
- Get out of car because she is to far from machine
- Hunt for card in purse
- Insert card
- Locate grocery receipt in purse with PIN number
- Enter PIN
- Study instructions for at least 2 minutes
- Hit “cancel”
- Reenter Correct PIN number
- Check balance
- Look for envelope
- Go through purse for ink pen
- Make out deposit slip
- Study instructions again
- Endorse check
- Make deposit
- Make cash withdrawal
- Get back into car
- Check makeup in mirror
- Look for keys in purse
- Start car
- Check makeup again
- Start pulling away from ATM
- Stop
- Back up to machine
- Get out of car
- Retrieve card and receipt
- Get back into car
- Put card in wallet
- Put receipt in checkbook
- Enter deposit and withdrawal into checkbook
- Clear space in purse for wallet and checkbook
- Check makeup
- Put car in reverse
- Put car in drive
- Drive away from machine
- Drive 3 miles down the road
- Release the parking brake
Solve Medicare Coverage Problem
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, ‘Hello, Mrs. Sanders, please.’
‘Speaking.’
‘Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband’s doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.’
‘What do you mean?’ Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
‘Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can’t tell which is which.’
‘That’s dreadful! Can you do the test again?’ questioned Mrs. Sanders.
‘Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.’
‘Well, what am I supposed to do now?’
‘The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him.’
How Old is your Wife
Man 1: How old is your wife?
Man 2: Approaching forty.
Man 1: From which direction?
Man 2: From every direction!
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