Two 80 year old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical science, and such, when one brings up the latest male medical miracle, Viagra.
The other wasn’t familiar with Viagra and asked the first man what it was for. The first man said, “It’s the greatest thing I’ve ever known. The Fountain of Youth!! Makes you feel like a man of 30.”
The second then asked, “Can you get it over the counter?”
“You probably could, if you took 2 pills”, said the first man.
“So let me get this straight,” the prosecutor says to the defendant, “you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man.”
“That’s correct,” says the defendant.
“Upon which,” continues the prosecutor, “you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her.”
“That’s correct,” says the defendant.
“Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?” asked the prosecutor.
“It seemed easier,” replied the defendant, “than shooting a different man every day!”
A Girls Prayer:
Lord,
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong,
One who’s willy is thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he promises to call, he won’t wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! send me a man who’ll make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say,
when I ask “How big’s my behind?”
One who’ll make love till my body’s a twitchin,
In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the creep you sent me instead.
Amen.
A Boy’s Prayer:
Lord,
I pray for a nympho with huge boobs
who owns a beer store.
Amen
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”
“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. “What did the doctor say?”
“He said you’re going to die,” she replied.
“You’re in remarkable shape for a man your age,” said the doctor to the ninety-year old man after the examination.
“I know it,” said the old gentleman. “I’ve really got only one complaint – my sex drive is too high. Got anything you can do for that, Doc?”
The doctor’s mouth dropped open. “Your what?!” he gasped.
“My sex drive,” said the old man. “It’s too high, and I’d like to have you lower it if you can.”
“Lower it?!” exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the ninety-year old gentleman was saying. “Just what do you consider ‘high’?”
“These days it seems like it’s all in my head, Doc,” said the old man, “and I’d like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can.”
A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he’s surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously “Is there a problem?”
The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes “I’m afraid so… I’m sorry but your notes got mixed up and we’ve given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy”
The patient is devastated and shockingly replies “Do you mean to say I’ll never experience another erection”
The surgeon pauses for a moment then says “Well, you might, but it won’t be yours.”
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