Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her. He buys her a drink and then another and then another. After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a “good time.”
“Look,” says the woman, “what do you think I am? I don’t turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!”
“OK,” replies Joe, “so how many does it take?”
There once was a lady who was tired of living with men who were either physically abusive, ran away from her, or were horrible in bed. So she put an ad in the paper, that was asking for a man who:
A) would treat her nicely
B) wouldn’t run away from her
C) would be good in bed
Three weeks passed, and there was no reply from any man. So she just figured that there wasn’t a man alive who could live up to these expectations, so she just gave up. Then one day she heard the doorbell ring.
She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn’t have any arms or legs.
The man said, “I’m here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can’t beat you, and I have no legs so I can’t run away from you.”
The woman replied, ‘Yes, but are you good in bed?’
And the man said with a smirk on his face, “How do you think I rang the doorbell?”
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
Suzie had a crush on Mikey since she was 15 years old. Mikey never paid Suzie any attention. Every year Suzie would try to get Mikey to notice her, but he just wasn’t interested.
Finally, when Suzie turned 18, she began to come of age, and sure enough, Mikey noticed. Suzie looked so pretty and grown-up that Mikey asked her for a date for a Friday night!!
She was so excited all that week, she could hardly wait for Friday.
Finally, Friday came.
As soon as she got home from school, Suzie began getting ready for her date at 7. She spent four hours on her clothes, hair and make-up, wanting everything to be perfect for the night she had waited years for.
Finally, 7 O’Clock came around. Looking out the window, she saw Mikey pull up in his shiny black car. She became so nervous and excited, that she opened the door before he even got to it. “Hi Mikey!” she said, nervous as hell, and Mikey replied, “Suzie you look beautiful!!”
Suzie was so pleased when she walked out the door – then IT hit her.
Suzie realized in horror that she had to FART!! Oh my God she thought, walking along, what am I going to do??
Being a quick thinker, Suzie got an idea: She would let him open her door for her, hurry in, fart, roll down the window real quick, and by the time he came around and got in, all would be O.K.
So they get to the car, Mikey opens the door, and Suzie gets in. He closes the door, then she really rips one! She rolls down the window, and sees that he’s just getting around to his door. Relaxing a little now, Suzie smiles at Mikey as he gets in the Car.
Then Mikey turns to her, points to the back seat, and says, “Suzie, I’d like you to meet my brother Carl and his date”.
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: “What are you doing here today?”
Woman: “Oh, I`m here to donate some blood. They`re going to give me $5 for it.”
Man: “Hmm, that`s interesting. I`m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.”
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
Man: “Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?”
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] “Unh unh.”
An eminent old man was being interviewed, and was asked if it was correct that he had just celebrated his ninety-ninth birthday.
‘That’s right,’ said the old man. ‘Ninety-nine years old, and I haven’t an enemy in the world. They’re all dead.
‘Well, sir,’ said the interviewer, ‘I hope very much to have the honor of interviewing you on your hundredth birthday.’
The old man looked at the young man closely, and said, ‘I can’t see why you shouldn’t. You look fit and healthy to me!’
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