On the night of their wedding, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride came out of the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed. “What are you doing?” she asked. “I’m praying for guidance,” answered the young man. “I’ll take care of that,” she replied. “You pray for endurance.”
A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day’s meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises. “I’m afraid not, sir,” the clerk told him apologetically, “but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes.”
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.
Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, “Manicures -25 cents.” “Why not,” thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a huge sign that read, “This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives – cost 50 cents,” The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into the opening – with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks.
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his penis which now had a button sewed on the tip.
1. I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let’s get you out of these wet clothes.
3. Nice legs…what time do they open?
4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package
5. You’ve got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I’m the only one talking to you.
8. I’m a bird watcher and I’m looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
9. I’m fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
10. Wanna play army? I’ll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
11. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
12. Oh, I’m sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
13. I’d really like to see how you look when I’m naked.
14. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway the heaven?
15. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
16. Are those real?
17. You must be the limp doctor because I’ve got a stiffy.
18. You can feel the magic between us…No, lower!
19. I’d walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
20. Girl, if you were a porch I’d take out all the nails and screw ya.
21. If it’s true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
22. (Look down at your crotch) It’s not just going to suck itself.
23. You know, if I were you, I’d have sex with me.
24. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
26. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
27. My name is (name)…remember that, you’ll be screaming it later.
28. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
29. Hi, I’m Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
30. My friend wants to know if YOU think I’M cute.
31. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
32. My name isn’t Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
33. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
34. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
35. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? What you don’t like pizza?
36. I may not be Dairy Queen but I’ll treat you right.
37. Baby, I’m an American Express lover…you shouldn’t go home without me.
38. Do you sleep on your stomach at night? Can I???
39. Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.
40. I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
41. Let me check the tag on your shirt, I want to see if it says “Made in Heaven”
The beautiful young lady in the dentist’s chair was nervously wringing her hands.
” Oh dear,” she said, “I’m so nervous. It’s so frightening. I think I’d rather have a baby than my teeth seen to.”
“Well,” replied the dentist,” which would you like the most just let me know and I’ll adjust the chair and my clothes accordingly.”
On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. “I’m too young to die!” she wails.
Then she yells, “Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I’ve had plenty of relationships in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I’ve had it!
Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??”
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. “I can make you feel like a woman,” he says. He’s gorgeous. Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
“Iron this.”
A doctor is making his rounds in the hospital when he comes upon a guy with the worst case of sunburn he has ever seen.
The poor guy is burnt raw from head to toe and is in agony.
He says to the doctor, “Is there anything you can give me to ease this terrible pain?”
So the doctor says, “Yes, I’ll prescribe you some Viagra”.
“Viagra?” says the poor guy. “How will that help my sunburn?”.
“It won’t help your sunburn much” says the doctor, “but at least it’ll keep the sheets off it!”
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