One day, this guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another.
After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried. “What’s the matter?” the bartender asks.
“My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy “and now she isn’t talking to me for a whole 31 days.”
The bartender thought about this for a while. “But, isn’t it a good thing that she isn’t talking to you?” asked the bartender. ” Yeah, except today is the last night.
USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips.
Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Letters are still pouring in asking, “What trip?”
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking.
He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.
Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly.
But, he was so drunk that he didn’t know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible.
Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
“Well, you really tied one on last night,” she said. “Where’d you go?”
“I worked late,” he said, “and I stopped off for a couple of beers.”
“A couple of beers? That’s a laugh,” she replied, “You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?”
“What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?”
“Well,” she replied, “my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.”
A physically large guy meets a woman at a bar, and after a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place.
As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, “See there, baby? That’s 1000 pounds of Dynamite!” She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder’s pose, and says, referring to his bulging legs, “See those, baby? That’s 1000 pounds of dynamite!” She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to run out the door, and asks, “Why are you in such a hurry to leave?”
She replies, “With 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!”
A plastic surgeon invented a radical new face lift procedure and was explaining it to a prospective patient. He told her, “I’ll install a special screw in the top of your skull. Your hair will cover it so it will be unnoticed. Whenever you need a little tuck, we’ll just tighten the screw a little,… and the wrinkles will disappear!”
The woman was enthused and told the doctor to, “GO FOR IT!” The surgery was a resounding success, and the woman went home happy.
A few months later, the woman returned in a great state of agitation. She pointed to her face and said, “Just look at these bags under my eyes! Where the hell did they come from?
The surgeon looked at her closely and said, “Those aren’t BAGS under your eyes. Those are your breasts. And if you keep messing around with that screw,… pretty soon you’ll have a goatee!”
Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had a fight with the little woman.”
“Oh yeah,” said Eddie. “And how did this one end?”
“When it was over,” Harvey replied, “she came to me on her hands and knees.”
“Really? Now that’s a switch! What did she say?”
“She said, “Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!!!”
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